I was so excited for this weekend to come around. Richard was coming home and I haven’t spoken to him for 3 weeks, well not face to face and I miss him so much. Mom was returning just for the weekend as she went home for a break and Steve with the help of Mr Big has been working hard to erect the new units in my mom’s room so I wanted her to come down and see what Steve had done for her. She now has a lovely room with a wardrobe to hang her clothes and a lovely chair. I just really wanted to do this for my mom who deserves it so much. Mom arrives first and she loves her room. She has brought gifts for it and turned up the curtains whilst at home. She is now excited about putting art on the walls and making it her own space.
Chris and Bethan arrive and it’s lovely to see them again and Steve as we planned takes them into town for their time together whilst I remain her with Richard and Louise, quiet time just to get Richard up to speed on the stuff we are doing and for him to just be home. Chris is a wrestler and Saturday evening he was in a local show which Steve and I were looking forward to going and seeing.
Just family time together was the plan for this weekend, no stress just to be together, well that was the plan but like all things in life plans don’t always work as you want them to and so to explain I have to go back to the meeting on Friday with Dr Weaver.
So chemo and my ability to deal with it whilst unpleasant is going well. I’m on maximum dose and we keep going plus the extra drugs via the funding after the 1/2 way scan at mid November. The problem is that my bowels are on close down here and we have to get this sorted out. I have a prescription for Monday to collect as the laxatives I’m taking are just not strong enough. The lack of taste means I can’t finish a meal and I’ve been living on sweet things, not good hey? At each appointment you are weighed and I am back to 61kg which is where I was the first time I was weighed following the removal of the 1/3 of my bowel. So I’m losing weight which I don’t want to do but my stomach is constantly swollen and nothing moves.
Steve and I discuss solutions and I started Saturday morning with yoghurt and fruits, so I have eaten prunes, raspberries and peaches for breakfast and I can taste them. The plan is to eat roughage and try to get protein into me and not just ice cream.
The day was going well, the plan was working. Everyone was left feel to do what they wanted for their evening meal and after ours the plan was for Steve and I to go and see Chris wrestle at the local show.
At about 4 pm Richard, Louise and I hit the ‘Love Tub.’ Now normally I do about 20 minutes and then I come out. Not today as we were just enjoying chilling together I was in there for about 40 minutes. Once out as normal the pain returns but that’s okay as I’m used to that.
Being in the water makes me hungry and I start eating as I feel week and shaky. I eat more fruit and ice cream, plus biscuits and drink a lovely hot chocolate. Still unsteady on my feet I ask Steve to come with me to dress me in case I fall on the stairs, I just feel so weak. Dressed and happy I return downstairs and the takeaway mom ordered of Chinese arrives. I do manage to eat some of it but not a lot. So Tiramisu for pudding. yum that just slips down. The plan is going well as I have had protein too.
And then the pain started, the lack of bowel movement means I blow up, this puts pressure on the tumors in my spine, I can’t burp or fart and I’m swelling up. Most people could walk it off but I can’t walk, I’m up and down, I can’t release anything, hours go by and no release. I am then hit with fatigue and I’m just a bloody mess. The trouble is that if I’m okay the whole house is okay and everyone is happy but if I’m suffering in pain and no one can help me it’s just soul destroying for them all. They try to act normal, offer things to help, try normal conversation but this is so hard for them all.
I drift off and now it’s too late for me to join Steve in going to see Chris wrestle and I really wanted to do this but there was no way I was well enough to go, so Steve had to go alone, this upset me as it was something that really wanted to do. Richard returns from his meal with Louise but yet again I’m in so much pain that it’s so hard for everyone to see.
I continue to try to deal with the pain and extreme fatigue, my weekend plans of family fun ruined. Steve wakes me at midnight to take my last drugs. I take them and by now I’ve had enough too and just take 5 ml of oral morphine. I tell Steve to go to bed as he needs his sleep and I remain in my dream machine waiting for the relief of the morphine. This starts to kick in within about 10 minutes and I regret not taking the morphine earlier but morphine slows my bowels down and round and round it all goes, never ending cycle of pain, bloating and swellings.
Once the morphine had kicked in I felt really bad as I hadn’t been on line at all or even looked at my phone. I hate not replying to everyone and thanking you all for sharing. I picked up my phone and started to read through the emails and I just sat and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. Beautiful words and love, friendship and support come flooding in to my house daily and I consider myself so blessed.
You all say how strong I am and that I am inspirational and I’m just not at all. I’m scared and sad. I hate the thought of not being alive with my loved ones and leaving them. The withdrawal of vital drugs to others behind me in the chemo queue just upsets me so much and whilst I have been lucky by 3 weeks the thought of others not having that treatment available just makes me cry. So I cry and cry and then I have a nose bleed. I’m so sick of feeling ill. I had let everyone down that night by being ill and I just find myself needing to sob.
After I had pulled myself together I decided that I need to see if I can get my bowels moving again so I stay up and do a self enema but whilst it worked it wasn’t impressive.
I decided that I have to try to sleep and go to bed at 2.15 only to wake up at 4 am but at least I slept. So after 11 hours of pain and agony finally my body is under control again. I have been okay so far today and I have managed to catch up with all your comments which mean so much to me and sorry I didn’t reply earlier plus sorry if I woke any of you by replying between 4 – 6 am this morning.
Anyway it’s a full Sunday dinner here courstey of my mom. It’s been lovely having Richard home for a few hours and I’m excited as he is also coming home next weekend to help Steve build Daisy Den :-).
Whoever sent me the lovely china mug I really appreciate it but it arrived broken and we will try to contact the post office to sort this out but I don’t know who sent it but thank you anyway.
The calendar has got you all super excited which is fantastic and the blog is getting over 1000 hits per day during the slow reveal. Thank you all for supporting me but we have to wait 3 weeks for the print run and then get them out so hold on promoting it until I can get the pre-order form up etc so we can take orders.
Now it’s happening a few times that through you lot sharing my blog that people get into it and start reading it daily without actually realising that you know me or my family. This happened to Nita who contacted me to say how much she enjoyed my ramblings. We soon discovered that she knew me and was great friends with Julie my sister and I know that my mom had photos of us as children. The first is of me and Nita brushing our teeth in a stream on a Woodcraft holiday in Lockerbrook and the second is of Nita, Julie and Tracy Skinner. See Nita I said my mom had these photos and it’s lovely that I can share them with you. Sorry they are a bit grainy.
I hope that you all have had a lovely Sunday and had picking daisy moments with your loved ones.
And finally thank you Rita for your weekly prayers and as usual Rita always sends me the proof of burning down the church, God bless her.
‘Bostin Bums’ big reveal for today is………….
I’m so proud of my school friend who produced this fantastic shot for us to use in the calendar. She offered to do it and we were just amazed at the effort they went to. She is featured with her daughter and friend. They have gone to the trouble of all wearing making hats, and holding swords. Absolutley fantastic and I’m proud to introduce to you the 3 Musketeers as your Miss Mays
So here is a double bum shot taken in the local open air swimming pool. Now the angle we were going for here was the fact that I don’t want to swim with Dolpins before I die. It’s not on my ‘bucket list’ So a very dear friend joined Steve and so I’m proud to announce Ms June.
You know my sweet you are brave, inspirational and selfless and of course all this trauma takes its toll, so your allowed to be human too. Stop beating yourself up for getting upset, it is actually helping to carry you xxx I only wish you weren’t alone in the dark of the night when it happens x
I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this specialist appointment tomorrow gets you a new plan of attack x
Let’s pray for blue skies xxxx
So pleased to hear The Judy Den got the big thumbs up 🙂
your mom is amazing bless her and will cherish your beautiful gesture.x
The love & prayers will always come flooding through from us all to you through your journey, we’re not going away X you just do Wack a Comment when you are feeling up to it. No one expects every comment to be replied to, we just want to let you know your in our hearts & thoughts <3
I hope Sunday Dinner with your family was a success and you were able to eat some, plenty of fresh veg will help.
Which just reminded me of a visit to my dad at home in Ireland 🙂 he was not long out of hospital and I thought I'll make him a good old Sausage stew lol lol lol , so I set about making it, sausages, potatoes, onions, carrots, turnip, parsnip and other ingredients absolutely delicious, lots of fresh veg ha ha ha
God love him he was probably just turn't 80 at the time. So later on in the evening I cleared up froze the remainder of the stew. We watch a little Telly and off we went to bed.
Next morning when we got up he was all over the place ha ha apparently he'd been up most of the night on the toilet with diarrhea:-) 🙂 🙂 lol
He said I tried to poison him ha ha ha , he had it for about 24 hours and needless to say he put the frozen stew in the bin ha ha ha. He never let me forget that. Every time I flew home I used to say I'd make it for him, he told me where to go 🙂
Maybe I need to come cook for you lol xxx
Big Loves & Hugs xxxxxx
Good luck with Chemo & specialist appointments tomorrow xx
Thank you my angel as ever for your support and love, I consider myself so blessed by the poeple in my life. The blog is so important to me as I draw such strength from it to carry on. Love ya Rita xx
I was also at that woodcraft camp in fact I went to all woodcraft camps as my dad and Bob sandel used to run the woodcraft. Was that the camp where all our stuff got wet and we ended up sleeping in some cow stalls but maybe that was an earlier visit there I’m not sure. I just remember that’s where I got my phobia of rats and mice. ( scary) . Sorry your still feeling so crook Wendy. Xxx
Bob Sandall is your Dad???? OMG my childhood was spent with him on camps and woodland walks, he taught me so much and gave so much of himself to all children. I went out with Robert briefly too, well love letters etc. What’s the chances of that hey. How is he? Wow I’m blown away by this news xx
My dad and Bob sandel run the woodcraft you numpty lol not my dad is Bob sandel at least I hope not lol. Bloody hell the drugs are pickling your brain lol. Xxx
Oh wen. Keep up the good work with the prunes etc so sad it still isn’t sorted. Hopefully tomorrow hey!!! Say hi to titch for me and send my love as I know that he doesn’t read the blog. Glad your mom is happy with her room!! Hope you didn’t argue about your moms potatoes today. Love you all loads. Xxx
Mom loves her room bless her, and no potatoes wars this week lol xxx
You ARE amazing, brave, inspirational, you’re all these things, do you know some people don’t fight, they don’t want any treatment or help given to them, they must just curl up and give up, you are giving it all you can and are having everything that they throw at you, that’s what makes you all the above, don’t ever say your not the above because you are, you want to be here as long as you can and you battle every day, some people can’t do it and I’ve seen it, they give up and just can’t do it,
I do love you and can only imagine what you’re going through,vi only know the diagnosis and treatment side, but you never know what the future holds, I just hope if that day comes I’ll be as strong and brave as you,
Love you so much wish I could hold and hug you in the love tub,
And you can cry if you want to, you are allowed you know, and it’s OK to cry with your loved ones,
Any way I’ll have to go, sweet dreams xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Thanks Tammy for your support and love it means so much to me, I just don’t like letting people down. The old me with energy and strength will come back one day I hope. Can’t wait to finish treatment and have a break but I’m a long way off that. I’ll keep fighting and doing whatever I can and with everyones support I know we can achieve great things to improve care and treatment. Love ya xx
Hey Wendy
It’s your party cry if you want to!!
Seriously I think the rest of us would be crying all day every day all the people that say you’re inspirational are spot on you are a very special caring individual who is touching many people’s lives daily through your warts n all blog..Your caring about others comes through the pages and I think I may feel a bit sorry for those MP ‘S a tiny bit when you share your disgust and anger about cutting cancer drugs no actually I don’t give them it with both barrels! !! I think all us reader’s look at life differently and appreciate our daisy picking moments all the more. Love to you and your special things. Thinking of you all every day
Deb xxx
Thanks Debs, I will don’t you worry mate. I love a focus and the chance to take on the big boys is just too sweet an opportunity to miss hey xx
Hi Wendy you really are so very very wrong you are the most Inspirational person i have ever met just because you cry and are scared doesn’t mean your not inspirational it just means you are human. Even though you are going through so much you are still thinking of others. You are always thinking of ideas to see how you can help and make people aware of bowel cancer. You get so upset not just because of your own suffering but because of others suffering and this is because your are such a loving caring person. No one expects you to answer all the texts and messages we leave. You have already written the blog and we just leave you messages to let you know how much we love and care for you and your family.
I’m so pleased your mum loves her bedroom. I hope your pain has eased and you will be able to get some much needed sleep. Sending you love and hugs XXX
Thanks Mary, you are lovely and I know you understand. I’m looking forward to working with you in store on focus days, we will have a laugh and give the others a run for their money hey. Fun times ahead, no doom and gloom hey xx
Wendy, the definition of brave is getting on with life as best you can when in dire pain. It’s a given that you cry and feel low but the fact that you summon up everything you’ve got to carry on is what courage means. You are brave and courageous. Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
PS. I never want to see another baked potato again, lol!
Lol I bet you don’t, well done for all your hard work on Saturday, you are so lovely xx oh and thanks for the links to the chair accessories xx
Aww Wendy I feel so so sorry for you my love. Please try not to be so hard on yourself. Mary is right when she said that nobody expects you to answer every single message. You love your blog and we love it too so we’re not going anywhere. We’ll all be here even if you don’t manage to post or reply for several days. I know you would have loved to have gone to the wrestling and I know it’s a bitch not being able to do what you want to do when you want to do it but if you’re bloated and in pain, sat ringside is probably one of the last places your body wants to be. If everyone is even half as considerate as you, they’ll understand. So blow a big raspberry to it and look forward to the next match and Richard coming home next weekend.
It wasn’t all bad – you’re mum got to sleep in her gorgeous new room for the very first time (how lovely). I haven’t shared this with you but my mum died when I was just a girl and when I hear of daughters treasuring their mums, it just melts my heart.
I
Oh Lizzie, that’s so sad that you lost your mom, I’m so sorry as Mom’s are precious gifts and I hate that you didn’t get to share your life with her. Life isn’t fair sometimes is it. Thanks for your words of encouragement they help me so much xx
….I didn’t mean to press ‘send’ when I did (woops)
I just wanted to say I don’t expect anything in return. If my little notes help you in some small way then that’s an honour and a privilege.
I hope you have a peaceful night lovely friend x
You truly are an inspiration to us all and you have helped me as I am battling breast cancer. God bless you and your family xx
Poor you, cancer is cancer hey, the bastard thing, it knows no age, creed, faith or religion. I’m glad that my ramblings help you through this shit journey. Love to you xx
There is a huge difference between being sorrowful for loss that is outside our box of control and feeling sorry for oneself. You are not a whiny, pity filled person who wants everyone to baby you. Feelings of anger at your plight, anguish for the loss of experiences that were once looked forward to, the stress that your family feels….all of these things are part if being human. To quote you, “there is no shame” in expressing them in your blog. Not something that you and yours have to bear alone. My heart aches for you and I want you to know that I’m thinking of you.