The Friday before my due operation date I was on my daily dog walking around the park, by this time I’m so slow at walking with the pain it takes ages to walk anywhere but I choose to sit and throw the ball by the stream in the vain hope that the dog, Molly dog is at least enjoying herself.
I receive a text from Emma at work and decide that a phone call would be easier than texting. The guilt of not being at work to help her just kills me and I mourn for my past world. After discussing whatever pressing work issues that poor Emma had only called for I was overcome with the sense of loss again “I’ve lost you I cried, I’ve lost you all regardless of whatever I do” I tried to hold the tears back but couldn’t, I was crying and so is Emma and the dog continued to chase the ball. She tries to comfort me and be positive but she knows it’s true. The operation will be hard to get over and I’d already been off for 2 months. Not being there everyday, not being up to date with the business was a slow loss which I couldn’t stop.
I had started watching ‘Breaking Bad’ at night when Steve and Rebecca had gone to bed and learnt that everything around us comes from carbon, including us. If you look at yourself and see who you truly are a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend but whatever you have in your life it’s yours and you define who you are. I came from great parents who were proud, trusted, loving and solid and you always had to do your best, never complain and get on with it regardless and now cancer was defining me and I had no choice. If I couldn’t offer me to anyone anymore then who was I apart from useless to everyone, a disabled, needy in pain mess who couldn’t perform any function that resembled the long list of titles I’ve mentioned that we all hold.
One of my favourite hymns has these lines: ‘Oh what can I give him poor as I am, if i were a shepherd I would bring a Lamb, if I were a wise man I would do my part but what can I give him, give my heart ‘ and sometimes that’s all you can give, your heart and pray that it’s enough.
Emma and I continue to cry, as I walked towards the car. Stopping again to ball throw for the dog I knew I was in trouble with the pain. Was it the endless sobbing or was Harry angry, did he know he was being removed in 4 days? either way I remember saying to Emma “I’ve got to go I’m in trouble” and fled for home. This was about 2pm and what followed was a night of fear.