Rain, pain and sunshine

Friday 24th July

I hope you all enjoyed ’50 Shades of Chemo’ that it made you smile, giggle or simply say to yourself ‘that’s true’ Whatever it did or didn’t do for you when posting it up I did wonder to myself if we could possibly cause a mini baby boom?? Probably not hey lol. So whilst I hoped you would all be enjoying it I’ve had a really shitty day, oh the irony of life! I post about sex and feel as sexy as a wet fish flipping about on the trawler boat of life waiting for market day!

Rebecca has an appointment at 3 pm at Stoke Manderville Hospital. Of course I need to go with her but it’s not been a great week for me, I haven’t driven for over a week but I’m determined to be there for my little girl. The plan is set, rest in the morning, McDonalds for lunch and leave by 2.10 pm at the latest, sorted. Back home by 4 ish. Post up 50 Shades of Chemo and enjoy the evening. Oh how life or plans can just go so wrong hey! The plan was working so far apart from the terrible stomach cramps that I’m getting, walking upright is so hard, just getting into the car is a struggle but it’s for my baby and I have to be with her. Heated seats switched on to help with the pain we set off in the driving rain which is never ending today.  The journey was fun listening to music Rebecca selected. Car dancing whilst not safe (Health & Safety covered again) is something that Rebecca and I enjoy (as long as no one can see or hear us, hey Rebecca) but also a sad one today. As Rebecca played ‘Wind beneath my wings’ by Celion Dion, I couldn’t hold back the tears. I used to play this song a lot and it reminds me of my Dad, my hero and my sister.

We arrive at the hospital in time but the parking is a nightmare. We have to park on the Asda car park and walk. I can hardly walk due to the various pains throughout my body, the new stomach cramps and it’s still bloody raining. We arrive, check in at the reception desk and wet through we sit, and sit and wait and wait. We chatted to the various patients that came and went but we were never called. The hard chairs remind me of the ‘waiting room of doom’ on Ward 15 and I’m now getting annoyed. Rebecca is getting upset cos she can see how much pain I’m in and feels bad. I announce that they have until 4 pm and then they are going to get some ‘Wendy feedback’ Now Rebecca is worried. 4 pm comes and so does my feedback to them!

I hobble to the reception desk. I apologise for disturbing them but I have been sat for one hour on a hard chair with my Daughter for an arranged 3 pm appointment. It’s now 4 pm, I have stage 4 cancer, I’m in terrible pain, I’m on chemo and shouldn’t even be around sick people, my car parking ticket is about to run out and none of this really matters as I love the NHS but not one person has spoken to us, or told us what’s going on at all! Rant over! The receptionist could see my pain and quickly apologised and said she would help. Within 3 minutes Rebecca was called through. Now great you think but by 1/2 way through the appointment I have to leave to move the car. It will take me at least 10 minutes to walk to the car and I don’t want a £100 fine. So I have to leave Rebecca and start walking in the driving rain, in pain. I get to the car but the rain on my face suddenly turns my face into a pain spasm which I just can’t describe. I’m sat in the car holding onto my face hoping the pain will pass, I’m wet through, my whole body is in terrible pain and I’ve had to leave Rebecca at the crucial part of the appointment. I eventually am able to move and drive again. I’m so low I can’t even explain it and I’m now just getting so tired of feeling unwell.

I manage to meet up with Rebecca and we head home through the rain. Once home I just have to sit for 2 hours and not move. I post up the blog and 50 shades of chemo and actually I’m glad we did it for everyone out there. I’m hoping for loads of hits, shares and comments but the next few hours are very quiet due to everyone reading it and I’m sure it’s causing some thought provoking moments amongst the 792 people that do read it between 6 pm – midnight.

Tea done and chemo tablets taken have to endure the weekly shopping trip of hell at Sainsburys. You get sex advice and I get a shopping trolly! Steve would go on his own and often has for me but I need to do normal things with him and feel part of life. The tumour in my neck due to the driving earlier is so painful, I lose the feeling in my hands and feet, each step I take sends pains through my feet, stomach cramps return and Steve and I walk round Sainsburys selecting food for the week as quickly as possible. I can’t touch anything, poor Steve has to do everything, my job is crossing off the list the items found whilst the staff look at us in a weird way, no normal couple shop like we do. My head due to the pain of the tumour has to lean to the right, the lymph nodes in my groin have swollen and now shooting pains go down my right leg. We eventually return home and I have to just sit unable to help put anything away cos I’m just so weak.

I try to pull myself together, I don’t want Rebecca to see me so ill. I start to help and as I pick up a cup I instantly drop it smashing it on the floor. That’s the 4th mug I’ve dropped and smashed in 2 days and it was one of my favourites too. Poor Rebecca has to clean it up for me. My poor family, what a complete wreck I have turned into.

At 12.30 I decide I’ve had enough and need to go to bed, Steve has finally managed to persuade me to take pain killers. I have to try to sleep, I crave an escape from how low I feel. Steve joins me and cuddles me, this makes me feel loved and safe. So whilst you lot are enjoying the buffet of life I’m safe, warm but scared and I drift off in the arms of my Mr Wonderful.

Saturday 25th July

5 am and I’m awake, it’s not raining and I feel better. My best mate Nicky and my goddaughter Beth are coming to stay the night tonight and we are all looking forward to them being here again. I get a message from Jiffy, that he is coming to see me and so I’m full of hope for an excellent weekend. Sharing moments, the meaning of my life.

The postman delivered a lovely card all the way from Australia from the ‘Stud Muffin’ himself, now this really touches me as he has been so poorly following his operation and still takes time to send me his love, thank you Uncle Pete.

The famous chemo gazebo shot with Nicky, Beth, Jiffy, Ish and Bee
The famous chemo gazebo shot with Nicky, Beth, Jiffy, Ish and Bee

I rest all morning waiting for visitors to arrive, Rebecca helps me tidy up. Jiffy, Ish and Bee arrive first, OMG I have them in my home, I’m so pleased to see them, part of my BHS Family. Then Nicky and Beth arrive. I’m feeling really well this afternoon and I’m blessed that my home is full of fun, laughter and friendship again. We share precious moments together but they have to go all too soon. Good luck Jiffy when you return to Sri Lanka and I hope you have a life full of love and happiness. Bee has told me she is returning next Saturday with my Troy Boy! OMG now that will be a good day indeed.

So it’s now late afternoon and so I’m off to enjoy the company of Nicky and Beth with Rebecca and Steve. We have Karaoke planned for this evening so it should be great fun. I hope you all have a great evening too especially if you have read ’50 Shades of Chemo’ wink wink 😉

Oh before I forget Rita, on tomorrows prayer list we need Karen, Uncle ‘stud muffin’ Pete, my loved ones, Guy’s son and Carolyn’s father in law and anyone out there who suffers from illness, disability or depression. They all need some love this Sunday, Cheers Rita (Mother Theresa)

Prayers answered for baby Jacob who is safely home from hospital and Mr Grey’s Uncle.

Edited by Nicky Jones, any mistakes please feel free the leave her a comment, she loves feedback LOL

Published by

Wend

Married to Steve, I have two children - Rebecca and Richard. Steve has two children, Lauren and Chris. Rebecca lives with us (nurse Rebecca) and my mom Judy also has become nurse and housekeeper but lives in the West Midlands. My son is in the Army and comes home when he can. I am 47, born in 1967 and I was told I had bowel cancer on 22nd Feb 2015 and this blog is my journey through it. I hope it helps you as you were the reason I started it.

13 thoughts on “Rain, pain and sunshine”

  1. Wendy you are indeed a inspiration lady I lost my two sisters 15 yrs to cancer I saw their struggle and it’s heart breaking and your blog is helping a lot of people I have great admiration for you and your family you are in my thoughts and prayers. Love loraine xxxx

    1. Hi Lorraine, I’m so sorry for the loss you have had with your sisters. I only lost one so god knows the pain you and your family have suffered. I am glad you read my blog and enjoy it. I just want to help others going through it or those helping their loved ones going through it. Thanks for keeping us in your thoughts, it means so much to all of us. Much love to you and your family tonight xx

  2. don’t let Nicky lead you astray xxx haaha have a fab weekend … and make many memories xx loves and kisses sent your way xxx

    1. Thanks Mandy, she has eaten me out of house and home already, Beth is behaving herself of course haha, thanks for your lovely message xx

  3. Saddened to hear you have had such a horrific Friday my lovely :-(
    I’m hoping your Fun Saturday is Rocking :-)
    I’m at work tomorrow my sweet but fear not :-) there’s a 6 0’clock Mass in the big candle Cathedral in Portsmouth :-) sorted xxx
    Big Loves & Hugs xxxx

  4. Yeah. .. I read your blog at 23. 15 and you know what? I’ve always told my kids don’t despair if you are having a really shitty afternoon , because tomorrow is a new day. ….. and there you are so ill and still have the strength to worry about everyone else. Your an Inspiration to all…

    1. Hi Colin, thank you so much for this comment, from a man too, I’m impressed :-) Wise words to your kids but sadly they wont realise the wisdom in your words until they become parents themselves but then they will say the same to their kids and so the world goes round hey, bless them. Hope you are having a nice break with my cousin Nicky, gotta love her :-) xx

  5. Hi Wendy, just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy your blog. Your courage, your pain, your fears, your honesty and self reflection all come through so beautifully. Sending you hugs from Michigan, USA!!

    1. Oh wow it’s you! You who I look at in my stats and think ‘Who’s that’? I don’t know anyone in Michigan, I don’t even think I could point to where it is in the States and yet I see that you have been reading my blog. I’m so pleased that you have contacted me. How small the world is hey via the power of the Internet. Don’t worry my blog doesn’t give me any details about who logs on apart from the country they are in and the device they use. It’s lovely to know that my blog is read elsewhere other than the UK, somehow it adds mystery to it. Anyway thank you so so so much for contacting me and your kind words. Keep reading my new friend and a massive ‘Hello’ from here in Britain xx

  6. He says quite nice things for a stripper lol…Colin isn’t with us Wendy, just me mum and Karl…he has tagged me in one of his photos back home so I can see how u thought he was with us..hope you enjoyed your night with Nicky and Beth and are not feeling too bad today…lots of love to you all xxxx

    1. Oh I see, but bless him anyway. I had a wonderful evening and feel so much better, almost normal again thank goodness as it’s been such a hard long week. Enjoy the rest of your holiday and massive love to Aunty Shelia too, I love that photo yesterday of her, made me smile seeing it. Lots of love xx

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