Last night there was a tribute programme on for Julie Walters. I’ve always loved anything she has been in and so I watch this with mom and Richard. We are passing time, as Rebecca’s train is due in at 23.07. Calendar Girls, the film is on next, a great film but probably not the best one to watch at the moment.
Steve leaves to fetch Rebecca and he has told her of the trauma of the house move, whoops I haven’t told you that bit yet.
So last night we set off to Brean sands to take Molly to the sea, within 10 minutes of arriving it starts raining so after just 30 minutes on the beach where at least we can get a signal, as back at the house the internet is beyond awful and we all either have ‘buffer face’ or no signal at all. Catching up on line done we head back to the house. The plan was to have an Indian tonight. As we wind down country lanes my phone rings, it’s Christine the lady I booked the accommodation with. She says to Steve that we were in the wrong house that she forgot we had a dog and that she wants us to move to other house on the site. Steve is not happy; we pull over for me to speak to her. I understand where she is coming from as the house is lovely and I would hate to ruin the carpets so we agree that I will call her when we get back, after we have had something to eat.
We go in search of a Tesco Direct as we both needed fags. There is a chippy next to Tesco’s so I suggest that as we have to move house when we get back we save time and get fish and chips.
Back at the house the food is so bad that it ends up in the bin, I can’t describe how bad it was, the batter was like no other I had ever seen, more like shoe leather.
Steve goes off to get Burger King and I call Christine. The house she wants us to move into has a small fridge and no dishwasher so I say no to moving, as it is her mistake. Richard in the meantime has packed up the kitchen, which now has to be unpacked but he was only trying to help. Steve returns with Burger King, the rain gets worse and the only good news is that we are not moving.
Okay so Rebecca arrives but looks like the trip into London and the 2-½ hour train journey has taken its toll on her, she looks pale. Everyone goes to bed and Steve and I have a beer outside. The pain then starts in my back and groin. We go to bed and I have to have more pain killers as you know when you are in so much pain that you can’t stand to even move, well it was like that. I tell Steve he has to sleep as it’s now after 1 am and he was up early. I wedge a pillow between my legs and try to sleep. I wake at 4.30 pain still so intense that I’m up and at the painkillers again before even I have a coffee.
So I then get myself a coffee and my fags and go outside, as it’s no smoking indoors at the house, it’s still raining. After my 2nd coffee I need the loo but I don’t make it in time and now I have shit running down my legs, over my dressing gown, on my slippers and on the floor. Oh for fecks sake, can this get any worse? I clean myself and everything else as best I can. Mom wakes at 7 am and so I use their bathroom to have a shower, lucky for me I opened Richard’s birthday present early a complete Superdry outfit and I don’t have to wake Steve up to get to it. After a shower I’m back in clean clothes. Dressing gown in the washing machine, excellent back to normal.
Everyone else eventually wakes up and I tell them all of my awful night. I’m still in pain, it’s still raining and I can hardly walk. We decide whilst it’s raining to go to Morrison’s and get a chicken for today and have a roast dinner as I don’t think I can’t cope with anymore takeaways. Steve, Rebecca and I go. They have a massive display of things to do in the local area. So with shopping brought, including a birthday cake for Beth we head home with visions of quad bikes, country walks and steam train rides for the day.
But life doesn’t always go to plan does it. I cook Steve breakfast and have a Danish myself then it’s back to the sofa with my hot water bottles for comfort. Just going to the shops is so hard and takes it out of me. I can’t go outside as it’s still raining L and Rebecca joins me and I slowly nod off. I wake to Steve swearing about wanting to get out of the fucking place as it’s doing his head in and he can’t stand watching another minute of Jeremy Kyle.
Oh no whilst I had slept my loved ones had gone into meltdown. Rebecca and Mom go out to get Rebecca a coat as she hasn’t got one and Richard decides to take Molly out for a walk.
Steve and I are left alone, alone now there’s a word. Trapped in the same nightmare but from different angles but both alone in how we feel. Steve tries to talk to me, I make an excuse to go into the kitchen for a tissue and sob my eyes out, and all the activity leaflets still on the table advertising great fun filled family holidays. Crying didn’t even help lift my mood, I wanted to scream. I return to Steve outside. Now I am not going to go into all the details but for the first time ever on this shit journey neither of us can cope anymore and we sobbed together, neither of us able to help the other.
Richard returns with Molly and takes Steve out to get canvas chairs, a duvet and some trainers for Steve as he only packed his formal shoes.
I know coping with cancer is going to get worse, it’s eating away at me again, not just physically but my health, my emotions and my strength of character, I fear what’s to come so much and what I will be putting my loved ones through, this makes my so sad as they can’t cope and neither can I.
Left alone but not for long, Mom and Rebecca return with canvas chairs, bless them for trying to solve just one of our problems.
The door goes and Nicky and Beth arrive. They bring the sunshine with them J Steve returns with Richard with all things purchased plus the game Cluedo to play together, in Steve’s excitement to show me what he had brought he tripped on the rug in the front room and spilled the surprise Iced Coffee Frappe for me from McDonalds all over the rug.
Now Christine was worried about the dog making a mess but between me shitting myself and Steve with his spillage the dog is the least destructive of us all.
Rug washed and chairs all out for everyone Steve suggests we go for a walk around the lake. Walking is so painful, every step sends a sharp pain down my leg, and we don’t walk far and return for me to have another sleep.
Awake again Steve and Richard are playing chess together, mom and Nicky have been cooking the roast chicken and Rebecca and Beth flit between the two.
After dinner we are planning another trip to the sea, rain or not before Richard has to leave us to return to work.
I usually get my mom and Steve to edit my posts but not today, I will spare them reading how bad things are so any mistakes blame me, sorry.
We enjoy a lovely roast chicken Sunday diner, thanks mom and Beth as promised enjoyed her birthday cake.
Lets hope things get better hey, as tomorrow is always another day