Mr Mullerat decided to bring the date of the operation forward by one week to 24th March. So the planning began. I needed a long list of stuff to include nighties which was odd as I don’t wear anything in bed apart from the monthly pants of disappointment as Steve calls them.
Toiletries, bags, nighties, face wipes etc my mom loves doing a list bless her. All were collected and ready to go.
Now when you face any major surgery it’s an odd time as you have no choice, you are scared about what’s to come but also what will live be like post surgery. You pass everyday just counting down the hours and minutes until the date arrives.
It had been two months of pain and medical tests which had sucked the life out of Steve and I. Our once relationship of contentment, love, passion and friendship had turned into a constant discussion of cancer, it takes over your whole world and becomes it’s own disability. Even the nights that we said we were bored of talking about cancer and decided not to talk about it within minutes we were back on the subject and going over the same old ground again.
If the kids were about to gross them out I would say stuff like “no anal sex for you Steve” just to embarrass them and make fun of the situation but the truth was that for two months cancer and pain had destroyed the sexual side of us too. Being in love and married to a wonderful, supportive, caring man is hard. He tells me he loves me everyday, how beautiful I am even though I’ve only worn Superdry joggers for two months and hardly done my hair. He always sees through the external stuff and only sees me. I on the other hand find emotion harder to express (I get this from my mom) I don’t tell him enough or show it enough, he deserves better than that.
I decided that we have to make love before the operation whatever pain I was in. We eventually have an evening to ourselves and armed with painkillers and beer we go to bed. Now if you have been married for a while and your sex life is good then you like me are truly blessed but sex is sex and love is love, very different things. The physical act is just two people coming together but holding the person you love next to you naked and just being together and loving is so special that nothing beats it. The overwhelming urge for Steve not to hurt me and the tenderness of him and of us after so long was all too much for me and whilst we made love I cried for us and afterwards I cried for us and Steve didn’t cry.