My night of fear

So flying home from my crying at the park with Emma I hit the painkillers as soon as I got through the door. The pain just wouldn’t go away and over the course of the evening I watched the clock for when I could take my next dose of painkillers. Steve and Rebecca had gone to bed and I’m left alone again in pain, Steve knew I was in pain and It’s not that he didn’t care but as usual when asked I said I was fine, but I knew I wasn’t.
It got to about 2 am and I decided that I had to try to sleep off the pain so I got into bed, sleep was never going to come to me that night and I suddenly realised that the drugs I had taken at midnight were going to wear off soon and I couldn’t cope without painkillers so I got up again trying not to wake anyone.
Downstairs on the sofa in the kitchen I sit with Molly, I couldn’t put my back on to the sofa as the pain was so intense, Molly was whimpering next to me like she knew I was hurting and was crying for me.
At 2.50 I know that I need help but I can’t wake anyone up that’s just not the done thing, they need there sleep, they have to be okay and I don’t want them to worry so I call 111.
I cry down the phone to this poor receptionist that I have cancer, I’m due to have an operation on Tuesday and I have taken all the painkillers I can but I have stronger ones, “Which ones can I now take” I need help, please help me. She says someone will call me back. A nurse phones back within 10 minutes and I repeat my plight through tears again, please help me but she just said that she is a nurse and that someone else will call me back. So I try to sit with Molly all alone and cope cos I can’t wake anyone up.
The pain just won’t go Harry is really angry and so at 3.45 I decide I’ve had enough of waiting for 111 and I call them back. I have decided that I will be brave, take more painkillers and try to sleep it off and tell them not to phone me back as I would be asleep, what was I thinking of!
I put the phone down and continued to sit with Molly. Then the first wave of sickness hit me, running to the sink I threw up, great I thought I’ll be okay now and washed my face. The pain and retching just continued until there was nothing left inside but bile. Then the overwhelming need to go to the loo started, OMG I was exploding at both ends and trying to cope with pain and not trying to wake anyone up.
After my body explosions had stopped which took a while I then decided that I could take more painkillers as I had thrown them all up. Took another set of 4 and went onto the settee in the front room, Molly followed for support. Within minutes the sickness started again and sweating, retching and crying I hung onto the sink, the fear of what was going on in my body was scary and I choose to face it alone but I wouldn’t want anyone to see me in this state.
I managed to sleep for 3 hours. Later that day I phoned my best mate Nicky for help, as she had a friend who knows about dealing with cancer (Mandy) but Nicky after hearing my story said that I had overdosed on tablets as I had taken 6 lots not the 3 that Mr Mullerat had advised. I probably had overdosed or my bowel was blocked I’m not sure but all I did know was that I had to make it to Tuesday as Mr Mullerat was going to take my cancer (Harry) away and all this would be over.
When I told my story of calling 111 to the medical staff in the hospital they said that I should have complained but I never did as again it’s not the British way is it! We like a queue, we like to moan about the weather, we say we are fine when asked and we definitely don’t make a fuss.

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Married to Steve, I have two children - Rebecca and Richard. Steve has two children, Lauren and Chris. Rebecca lives with us (nurse Rebecca) and my mom Judy also has become nurse and housekeeper but lives in the West Midlands. My son is in the Army and comes home when he can. I am 47, born in 1967 and I was told I had bowel cancer on 22nd Feb 2015 and this blog is my journey through it. I hope it helps you as you were the reason I started it.

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