My mum’s broken

It’s my turn to share on the ‘world wide web’ my experience with a loved one with cancer.

You always think as a child, ‘my mother is the strongest person I know,’ the one who’s been there to look after you, clean up after you and love you no matter what. Someone you think, that person can never get a life changing illness because it wouldn’t be fair.

That is exactly what my mum is: this woman I love dearly and is my best friend.

So 2014 came to an end the new year beginning, I was excited with different things I would do what I would plan with family and friends. January came about and everything was great and just normal.

Then the pains started, I remember mum not going into work because she was just not feeling well and now for my mum to be ill was a strange thing she normally just gets up and deals with a little pain or cold (which she hardly gets!)

This pain wasn’t going away no matter how many weeks went by, what was happening to my poor mum? So many questions but life had to go on, hopefully it was just something doctors could work their magic and my mum would be back at work or causing me more embarrassment!

Sadly it just went on, Steve then decided enough was enough and he made mum finally go to the doctors. Tests done, trips to doctors – it went on and on into a long cycle of just waiting..and more waiting. I was hot water bottle monitor as mum needed a water bottle to take the pain away.

Seeing my mum in pain is a horrible thing, what can I do to make things just a bit easier for her and everyone else? Cleaning? Cooking? Filling the water bottle that was her only source of pain relief!?

I remember my 22nd birthday came about and my mum had brought me 2 tickets to the Lion King Musical, I was so happy! I had been wanting to see it for ages, still being the amazing mother she is and thinking what I had wanted for so long and had given it to me! I went with my lovely Nan and I had a great day, but on my mind was my mum she couldn’t celebrate my birthday fully as she had to go in to the hospital for more tests and answers.

What was wrong with her?

The night came when my Auntie Nicky had come over to stay the night to visit us and see how mum was doing. Watching ‘Beaches’ with them seems to be a tradition, an amazing film a good tear jerker! We laughed and it was the first time in a long time I had seen my mum genuinely happy. I remember thanking Auntie Nicky that night.

The phone rang, it was her doctor. I remember hearing “you may need someone to come with you when we give you the results we can’t tell you results over the phone.” The evening came to a stand still…what the hell was going on! Everyone was confusing thinking the worse, questioning the doctor. I sat there in the chair not understanding things, was it maybe cancer? What was going on!! Someone fix my mum please!!

The next day mum went with Steve to the doctor. I stayed at home with Auntie Nicky for their return. It felt like hours until they finally came back, mum came in saying “hello Molly” like she always does, Nicky got up and went over to mum, now I wanted to know what it was but I felt so nervous in what the news would be but I remember from the corner of my eye my mum nodded her head. That’s it…

I went upstairs stared into the mirror and burst into tears before hearing the answer walking up and down in my room. I hear my name from downstairs I try to keep the evidence of crying from everyone and go down. My mum needs some medications so I go into town to collect them. I need to get away I can’t come to terms it’s that horrid illness. I meet up with Josh (my boyfriend) and just end up crying in his arms screaming thinking it can’t be, he does his best to comfort me thank you Josh.

I finally get home and mum sat me down and explained that it was cancer.

Anger, sadness, worry everything you could possibly not want to feel all at once is something I find myself experiencing everyday as this process has gone on. How dare this illness make my mum feel this way? She doesn’t deserve this!

She has the operation to remove the cancer, finally its going away! This nightmare is going to end now yes? Seeing my mum in hospital is horrible, she’s in pain but part of me thought ‘yes its over!’

Sadly that’s not the case, she is now Stage 4.

Everyday I think am I doing enough? What can I do to make this pain go away for everyone?

My poor nan, brother, Steve who all are watching my mum go through pain each day is a hard thing to deal with. The only normality I get is going to work and catching up with friends but at the back of my mind I am constantly thinking ‘how is she today?’

You try to do things away like watching a funny film or play a game, something to take your mind of it. Nothing works, you just want this horrid cancer (Harry we call it) to go away and sadly it can’t until the chemo has done its job.

I buy flowers, a laptop tray, gloves for my mum anything to help with daily tasks. Seeing my mum go through chemo is hard, she’s a different person, tired, crying (which I’ve hardly seen her do throughout my life.)

The one thing I love the most about my mum is when she smiles and gives me a cuddle, telling me things will be ok because that’s who she is, a mother. She doesn’t want to see all of us sad, not coping because she wants us to be strong and go on as normal.

With the support she has had from doing her blogs it has made her feel happy that it can help people and I am so proud of her. I am proud of Steve for putting his feelings down on the blog too. I felt I should do the same. So that people can see that they aren’t alone when seeing someone they love go through this situation. I am very proud of my nan for helping us whether its cleaning or walking the dog just being there gives me time to just relax myself.

People never know what the future holds. But I know one thing, Harry is going down with a fight and by god he will be stopped.

Sorry for the ramble as I didn’t know how to exactly share my point of view and I know its very long I do apologise, but just know that you are never alone in this big wide world.

My mum is broken, but by god we will fix her!

I love you Mum.

I love you Steve.

I love you Nan.

I love you Richard.

And I love the people that have supporting everyone of us, and those who read these blogs.

Thank you for reading. :)

 

Rebecca

31 thoughts on “My mum’s broken”

  1. Well done Rebecca so brave and so nicely written!! Your mum is very lucky to have u helping her and she will be so proud of you doing this.
    Your words are going to make many cry tonight!! Xx

    1. What an absolutely brave thing to do, well done for sharing all of your worst thoughts and feelings. I am sure this blog will help hundreds of people who are going thorugh the same thing and help them to see they are not alone xx well done Rebecca what a star xx

  2. Rebecca bless your heart honey, you are amazing.
    Your beautiful mum is blessed to have both you & Richard as her children.
    Staring Harry in the face and seeing your mum suffer so dreadfully is the most cruel twist life can throw you, I too know that pain.
    You are being the most wonderful daughter helping your mum and doing everything in your power to give her comfort, and strength x
    Your mum is so very proud of you her blogs tell us all this.
    My heart is broken knowing the pain & suffering you are all experiencing, I’m sitting in the hairdressers crying like an eejit xx
    Just keep talking to your Mum & Steve & Nan & Richard don’t hide your fears & worries it really helps to talk & be honest with each other all the time x
    Could you give your mum a huge hug from me as its sore bum day today :-(
    I SEND YOU ALL LOVE & HUGS XXX

  3. So proud of my lovely granddaughter. I wish I could take the heartache away but I will always be there for her and we will fight this thing together

  4. Well done Rebecca not just writing this but dealing with this every day and supporting your mum in every little way. I know she appreciates it. In many ways it’s harder for you and you are doing really well.
    Keep doing what you are doing and if it helps speak to one of the chemo nurses who will support you( avoid Colette ! ) and help you through too. Big hugs xxx
    Karen xxx

  5. Dear Rebecca, Dear Wendy,
    I have been following the “Broken” trail since the beginning. and I send my love to you both, and all the family. It is always difficult to articulate feelings at a time like this, and you both, and Steve, have done it simply, with emotion, saying how it is; I am sure this record will help many, many people going through similar journeys, and will be a gift to them.
    It is a great record. I salute you all.
    With love
    Frances

  6. Well done Rebecca, it was so brave of you to put all your feelings down on paper as it were, keep going and doing what you are doing, your mom nan brother Richard and Steve are there for you, would you give them all a hug for me, I went to school with your mom but I don’t know whether she remembers me, she’s a fighter and won’t let it beat her,
    I’m finding it harder and harder to read this blog, I’ve had so many turns, they are bought on by emotions, every time I read it I’m that upset and full of emotion, inevitable I’m out of it for at least 30 mins, well this isn’t about me it’s about you and your loved ones, I hope that putting it down in words has helped you, some how we find ways to get through these tough times and every one copes in different ways, when I had my cancer my family changed around me, it was like they were scared to upset me or hurt me, but all I wanted to be treated as I used to be, our family are just mickey takers, they never said anything when I was bald, I would have lived them to take the mick so I used to do it, I’d slap my head just like how Benny Hill used to in his shows, ( ask your mom if you don’t know) I was laughing and they would shout at me to stop, any other time they would be in hysterics, so if your mom is like me be as normal as you possibly can with all the worry, it really helps, sorry I’ve gone on and on, but it really helps me too, I’ve never put down in words how I feel before, after reading “mines broken” it has helped me because how your mom puts every little detail down I think that’s me, that’s how I was, I’m into my 3rd year cancer free, but I keep thinking it’s gonna come knocking on my door again, I just don’t now if this what people think or am I morbid,I don’t know,
    keep well my sweet and take every day as it comes, xxxxxxxxx

  7. What lovely words Rebecca. You are part of such a strong family. Know that, even though Amy has moved out, you are always welcome so please don’t be a stranger xx

  8. Wow Rebecca your mom will be so proud of you!!!! you are her main priority and the support your giving her is amazing !! I’m an old school friend and met up with her at a reunion, she hadn’t changed in 30 years still “Wendy ” keep up the good work and we can keep reading her progress. Send her my love and take care xx

  9. God bless you Rebecca, you sound a lovely lovely Daughter , you are a star for helping your Mom when she needs you most. Sending you all love xw

  10. Oh Rebecca this has not been an easy 2015, seeing someone in so much pain is bad enough but when it’s your mum your poor little heart is broken.
    You have been supportive from day one, cleaning, ironing, chief coffee maker and always there for your family. Please don’t forget sometime it’s good to talk things over with others and there are many of us that would be happy to lend a listening ear.
    Just do what you have been doing, loving, hugging, supporting each other as a family.
    You are without doubt a very amazing young lady and we can see through the blogg that your mum feels the same, she loves you as only a mother can love a child, that’s from her heart.
    XxxxxX

  11. Well done Rebecca. I know it’s hard to watch your mom suffer but your moms greatest pain is seeing you and the rest of her lovely family suffer. Now is time to make fantastic memories for you all and never give up hope. Sending you all hugs and kisses. Xxx

  12. (((((((()))))))) that’s a hug in old text speak!!!, well done for writing this. It is shit isn’t it? The person who can do anything and everything has this stupid thing called cancer that has thrown everyone’s lives upside down….. I hated it, and I hate it for u. Doing what u r doing for ur mum has been amazing…. I know she appreciates it . Keep making the memories and storing them somewhere safe xxxx

  13. Rebecca, I’ve just read your blog and must tell you that you are a amazing young woman. How lucky your mum is to have you by her side. Mum told me how very proud she is of you, that she really appreciates all you do for her and most importantly how much she loves you.
    What you wrote in the blog was beautiful, heartfelt and loving – just like your mum. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
    My heart and love is with you, mum and the family.
    Lorraine xxx

  14. Rebecca I am so proud of you for writing your feelings down for all to see. Your mom and Steve are so proud too. Selflessly trying to help others when your heart is breaking. I love you and will always be there for you. I wish I could stop your pain. You don’t realise how much you do for your mom already and being there for her is all she needs. All my love. Auntie Nic. Xxxx

    1. I don’t know these dear people – this family going through turmoil – but I know you Nicky and am so glad you are there to be supportive – please tell them all what a courageous and brave thing this blog is – opening up the actuality of what they are living with – please express to them how amazing they are and give them my heartfelt love

  15. Well done Rebecca! You are brave and beautiful. A credit to your mom, a daughter to be proud of.
    Keep doing what you are doing as Tammy says normal is good, normal is what your mom needs.
    I lost my mum when I was 16 (when at school with your mom) and wish I could of read and written a blog like this to help me through the shitty situation that is Cancer.
    I know your family will stick together and support each other and I hope you have good (what I call 3am friends) friends like I did (and still do) that are there for you to do and say the normal things!
    Hugs for you all Leah xxxx

  16. Well done Rebecca so proud of you… it must be so hard for yourself, Steve, your Nan and Richard and sometimes we do forget what you are all going through and your feelings…. your mum loves you all so much and I know she will be so so proud of you for sharing your experience with others….she couldn’t get through this without the love of you all…keep up the good work of looking after her and just remember we are always here for you……lots of love Cousin Nicky xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  17. Honestly written and moving. Well done, can’t be easy to open up on the now famous blog. I bet our Wend is about to burst with pride

  18. Rebecca, well done for putting your thoughts and feelings into words. You are also helping others to understand who may not have been through this process in the same way as your mum during what is a really difficult time for you all. Your family is truly amazing for pulling together and supporting one another. I think of you all daily. Please give your mum a hug from me. You are all in my thoughts Lots of love Brenda (ex-colleague from work)

  19. Rebecca these words epitomise exactly who you are – a beautiful, kind, generous and thoughtful woman who always thinks about the other person – I’m moved by your words and thank you for sharing them with us and in such a public way – your love for your mum is tangible as is your concern for her. I’m so so sorry that ‘harry’ came in to your lives and would do anything to boot it out !! I love you x

  20. Courageous Rebecca a beautifully written, honest straight from your heart account. You a a credit to your mum, she’ll be beside herself with proud-ness. (Is ttat a word?..it is now) Sending you all hugs, love and hairspray xx

  21. I know the love you have in your heart will shine through Rebecca,
    thank you for putting your thoughts for everyone to see, and yes, there are many people who will share with you love for your mom. we are all thinking about you as a family. you can’t do any more than your already doing. love to all. xxx

  22. Rebecca I remember the last time I saw you was at a friend s birthday party(A lovely lady from Debenhams called June ) there you were in your party dress a little blonde clone of your lovely Mum,that’s a long time ago but you have obviously inherited her loving and caring ways and also her strength(not sure about the bossiness) It is so wonderful to see you all supporting each other,stay strong.Love to you all.

    1. oh Dorothy she definitely is bossy too, you should she her with the kids at school, puts me to shame on the bossy front lol I don’t know where she gets it from lol lol xx thank you for your lovely message xx

  23. Dear Rebecca
    What a wonderful daughter you are. Your mom appreciates everything you do. All the little thoughtful things really make a difference. You are a beautiful person inside and out. We are thinking and praying for all of you.
    Lots of love as always xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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