Sitting in my now new ‘Pimped Chemo Gazebo’ last night. It’s been pimped (as in that old reality show, Pimp My Ride) as Steve has decided that my outdoor home needs improving. He heads off to John Lewis and returns with a baby Bose Sound System and LED lights. They are very posh as they have 9 different settings. They remind me of Christmas Tree lights. They remember what time you put them on the day before and automatically turn themselves on at the same time the next day. Plus after 6 hours they turn themselves off! How cool is that? Only at John Lewis hey. We have so many speakers in our house, as Steve loves his music to sound good. We could have just used the Bose speakers from upstairs out of Richards room when he is not at home but their not portable or Bluetooth and apparently Richard, Steve says that he thought we had given them to you! Happy days hey Richard.
So after a meal we are sitting in our new improved chemo gazebo, it’s getting dark and the Bose system is playing some of our favourite music from the newly created Gazebo playlist. Chilled with a beer we just chat away as normal. Now I have decided that I have reached a point in my life that finally I’m at peace with myself.
How often do we say to ourselves that we are happy but life we will be better when…….. then I’ll be really happy, whatever your thing is. We say negative things to ourselves like, I’m too fat, too tall, too skinny, too small, not attractive enough, boobs are too big, boobs are too small, hair too thick, hair too fine. Am I kind enough, a good enough mom, good enough at my job, good enough at everything I do and so it goes on and on and on.
Then if that’s not enough we move on material things to attack ourselves with, my house isn’t big enough, my car isn’t new enough, I need new carpet, need to redecorate, need to improve the garden, need that perfect holiday. My life will be truly happy when I’ve achieved these things.
In Ben Elton’s book ‘Stark’ (which I started on a beach holiday but haven’t finished yet) there is a piece in it where he says “A man only has one dick and one belly.” Now obviously if you are a woman you will have to bear with me on this one. So if you don’t have a car and you get a car, it’s fabulous and you have freedom. So why are we not happy with that? Why do we need to get two cars, a bigger more powerful one or a more luxurious model? We can only consume so much. A man can only drive one car at a time, eat one meal and have sex with one woman at any time. Why is it that we feel the need to improve, improve our status, prove that we have succeeded, are getting better in the rat race, proving self worth?
Cancer has taught me that I’m actually finally happy, happy with my life, who I am and what I’ve achieved. The bits I’m not proud of I can’t change so instead of beating myself up about them. I just have to finally accept them as the shit bits. Life is about learning and in life it teach us things about ourselves too. I don’t now think that ‘I will be happier when…….. whatever self destructive thought I was having at the time. Steve’s need to pimp out my gazebo is the need to show love. Our home is turning into a chemo friendly house. He even brought me a special adapter to put on the end of the watering hose so that I can water the plants in the garden. His need to show love, so he buys more stuff. I understand that need in him.
Today Alison ran for me in the ‘Race of Life’ in our local park, we call the Rye. I can hear the build up from the back door. Paula, Alison’s daughter sends me a photo of her mom supporting me and promoting my blog. Tears stung in the back of my eyes. I was so touched. Then the rain started and I stood at the back door feeling sorry for them doing it in the rain. There are some wonderful people out there who try to do there bit for cancer research. When my dad died in 1997, there wasn’t even a CT scanner in the hospital. How far have we come in support and our love of our NHS. By the people like Alison who runs in the rain and raises £200. Scanners and modern equipment are available due to fund raising and as they say ‘together one day we will beat cancer,’ but only through people like Alison, many thanks Alison, you made my day cos you cared enough to make a difference.
It’s been a tough day today with side effects. I tried to clear the breakfast things away but I sneezed (now don’t laugh) your face feels like you have been hit in the face with a cricket bat. Your bones have turned to dust. I stops you in your tracks, you can’t move. My hands have moved from pins and needles into someone is stabbing them all over with a red hot knife, I’m dizzy and feel so tired. Steve is out, Rebecca is ironing. I lie down, I need to be still. I wake and it’s 3 pm. Where did the afternoon go! I go in the kitchen to find Rebecca has gone out and brought me another lovely bunch of flowers, bless her. I awake feeling better, thankfully. The first 5 days are rough on your body but it will soon get better and that’s a comfort. So I don’t want more stuff, I’m happy and my only wish is that I can join in with life again after my treatment. This time with a sense of ‘it’s okay, I’m happy and I’m here to just enjoy being with you all’.
Earlier I was looking forward to a phone call today from Brenda, I told her to text me when she was free. She texted but I just felt so ill, I couldn’t talk. I managed to reply that I’d have to try later but was so sad to have to put this call off. I did talk to her later. I am forever moved and blessed by people who have been so touched by my blog enough to contact me. I consider myself so lucky through friends reaching out to other people who may need help. It was so lovely chatting to Brenda. She has also shared my blog to her friends. I check my stats everyday and when you lovely supporting people share it my stats go up. I have between 300 and 600 hits a day and around 40 people who log on for a read everyday (don’t worry I can’t tell who you are, big brother isn’t watching you that closely) but it encourages me to keep writing. So thank you Brenda and Alison for making my day.