As soon as Leanne from Beating Bowel Cancer left on Friday I slept. I woke having had a non chemo sleep and felt low but as Rebecca was going to her dad’s and Steve and I were going to be on our own for the weekend I thought I’d start the weekend off with a take-a-way curry as a treat. We haven’t had one for a while. The curry came but I couldn’t taste it, I know what it’s supposed to taste like but as Frankie puts it it’s ‘chemo slime’ which is hard to describe how horrible it is day after day, it’s just not funny. Rebecca left as my mood just sank even lower and lower. The last day and a half have been a bit of a blur if I’m honest but here are some of the details I remember.
The constant pain, fatigue, feeling sick, having the shits and I’m just so sick of feeling ill. I spent most of Friday night into Saturday just wanting it all to end, for it all to be over. The peace that death may hold is too tempting. If I’d have known what to take on Saturday night I think I would have done it but knowing me I’d do it wrong! Steve didn’t sleep either, he was worried that I was going to take too many pills and the endless night of worry continued for us both. Saturday morning Steve sat with me in the chemo gazebo, tears in his eyes ‘don’t leave us, don’t do anything stupid’ he said, ‘there will be good days again.’ I just sat and let the tears roll too unable to speak for the depth of my despair.
Everyone thinks that I’m strong that I can fight this disease. The truth is that this disease is at times killing me in terms of my spirit and soul. Endless days, weeks and months in pain. I can walk about the house bent double like an old woman but outside the house I have to use a stick and the wheelchair is becoming an item that I know I need but I don’t want to admit it. Just simple tasks wear me out and breathing is laboured. I ask you is this living? I know it’s partly to do with the drugs they gave me on Monday but the thought of having to go through the side effects another 11 times is just too hard for me to even contemplate. And for what? To spend whatever time I have left, which isn’t going to be long if this chemo doesn’t work being a burden to my loved ones. I rely on everyone to do simple tasks, I can’t even do housework. Cooking a meal is shared and when I do help it exhausts me.
We did try to take Molly out in the afternoon but I struggled to walk, We sit in silence for over an hour in Moo Moo Land on a bench. I can’t even bring myself to speak that’s how low I had become and my every thought was just of ending it all and how could I do it. How does all this affect Steve, watching me sink lower and lower not being able to reach me, to pull me back. He feels that he is failing me, but that’s just not true, he is amazing, it’s me that is failing.
Steve has put me back on the routine of every 3 hours taking drugs to control the pain. I just lie in the chemo gazebo in a zombie state waiting for the next lot of drugs to come. I even ignore texts from my kids, I am just not strong enough to pretend I’m okay anymore. Steve is suffering so much and I can’t bear that either, I think about just disappearing leaving everyone, giving up treatment and just going off to die like cats do. But I don’t have the strength to drive anywhere and so I forget that idea. I don’t want people to see me like this, a mess. I don’t want to hurt my loved ones anymore.
We were supposed to be going out on Saturday night so I sent a text to say I’m sorry but we are not going to make it but it’s done with a heavy heart as I would have loved to have gone. To see people, to chat, to be happy, to be normal. Normal oh how I long for life to be normal. I lost normal on 26th January and I wonder when if ever I will feel normal again.
I also feel the guilt of all the worry I have caused to people who support me everyday, special people who text and send me private messages or emails just to cheer me up everyday. Just showing me how much they care and I turned my back on you all in my misery and I’m so sorry. I just couldn’t face pretending anymore. Doing the blog and having a purpose to my day has always been a source of strength. I however when I go down go within myself and shut the world out, I’m sorry.
I woke this morning with a sense of ‘fuck it’ you are not destroying me attitude. I try so hard to be more myself but it’s not easy. No wonder 40% of people don’t complete chemo it’s just so hard and I only have another week until my hair falls out, oh the joy of life hey!
So forgive this post being short but I wanted you all to know that I’m okay and I’m trying so hard to be brave and strong. Steve and I appreciate all of your love and support, Steve I know took great comfort from you all over the weekend, just lovely to know so much support is out there for us.
I will catch up with all the emails and comments you have left for me as soon as I can. I just needed some time to get my head straight and as I would say to Richard ‘man up’.
Anyone who knows long term pain, depression, illness or cancer will I hope understand how low you can go inside yourself. To wish an ending is not an easy thing to think of but not living or living a zombie life of pain and torment is worse. If you are reading this and you are fit and well then go pick loads of daisies, dance, sing, laugh, run, jump or just run down the road waving your knickers in the air as life sadly is too short and there is no price that can be placed on your health and happiness.