Hitting a Wall

As soon as Leanne from Beating Bowel Cancer left on Friday I slept. I woke having had a non chemo sleep and felt low but as Rebecca was going to her dad’s and Steve and I were going to be on our own for the weekend I thought I’d start the weekend off with a take-a-way curry as a treat. We haven’t had one for a while. The curry came but I couldn’t taste it, I know what it’s supposed to taste like but as Frankie puts it it’s ‘chemo slime’ which is hard to describe how horrible it is day after day, it’s just not funny. Rebecca left as my mood just sank even lower and lower. The last day and a half have been a bit of a blur if I’m honest but here are some of the details I remember.

The constant pain, fatigue, feeling sick, having the shits and I’m just so sick of feeling ill. I spent most of Friday night into Saturday just wanting it all to end, for it all to be over. The peace that death may hold is too tempting. If I’d have known what to take on Saturday night I think I would have done it but knowing me I’d do it wrong! Steve didn’t sleep either, he was worried that I was going to take too many pills and the endless night of worry continued for us both. Saturday morning Steve sat with me in the chemo gazebo, tears in his eyes ‘don’t leave us, don’t do anything stupid’ he said, ‘there will be good days again.’ I just sat and let the tears roll too unable to speak for the depth of my despair.

Everyone thinks that I’m strong that I can fight this disease. The truth is that this disease is at times killing me in terms of my spirit and soul. Endless days, weeks and months in pain. I can walk about the house bent double like an old woman but outside the house I have to use a stick and the wheelchair is becoming an item that I know I need but I don’t want to admit it. Just simple tasks wear me out and breathing is laboured. I ask you is this living? I know it’s partly to do with the drugs they gave me on Monday but the thought of having to go through the side effects another 11 times is just too hard for me to even contemplate. And for what? To spend whatever time I have left, which isn’t going to be long if this chemo doesn’t work being a burden to my loved ones. I rely on everyone to do simple tasks, I can’t even do housework. Cooking a meal is shared and when I do help it exhausts me.

We did try to take Molly out in the afternoon but I struggled to walk, We sit in silence for over an hour in Moo Moo Land on a bench. I can’t even bring myself to speak that’s how low I had become and my every thought was just of ending it all and how could I do it. How does all this affect Steve, watching me sink lower and lower not being able to reach me, to pull me back. He feels that he is failing me, but that’s just not true, he is amazing, it’s me that is failing.

Steve has put me back on the routine of every 3 hours taking drugs to control the pain. I just lie in the chemo gazebo in a zombie state waiting for the next lot of drugs to come. I even ignore texts from my kids, I am just not strong enough to pretend I’m okay anymore. Steve is suffering so much and I can’t bear that either, I think about just disappearing leaving everyone, giving up treatment and just going off to die like cats do. But I don’t have the strength to drive anywhere and so I forget that idea. I don’t want people to see me like this, a mess. I don’t want to hurt my loved ones anymore.

We were supposed to be going out on Saturday night so I sent a text to say I’m sorry but we are not going to make it but it’s done with a heavy heart as I would have loved to have gone. To see people, to chat, to be happy, to be normal. Normal oh how I long for life to be normal. I lost normal on 26th January and I wonder when if ever I will feel normal again.

I also feel the guilt of all the worry I have caused to people who support me everyday, special people who text and send me private messages or emails just to cheer me up everyday. Just showing me how much they care and I turned my back on you all in my misery and I’m so sorry. I just couldn’t face pretending anymore. Doing the blog and having a purpose to my day has always been a source of strength. I however when I go down go within myself and shut the world out, I’m sorry.

I woke this morning with a sense of ‘fuck it’ you are not destroying me attitude. I try so hard to be more myself but it’s not easy. No wonder 40% of people don’t complete chemo it’s just so hard and I only have another week until my hair falls out, oh the joy of life hey!

So forgive this post being short but I wanted you all to know that I’m okay and I’m trying so hard to be brave and strong.  Steve and I appreciate all of your love and support, Steve I know took great comfort from you all over the weekend, just lovely to know so much support is out there for us.

I will catch up with all the emails and comments you have left for me as soon as I can. I just needed some time to get my head straight and as I would say to Richard ‘man up’.

IMG_4430Anyone who knows long term pain, depression, illness or cancer will I hope understand how low you can go inside yourself. To wish an ending is not an easy thing to think of but not living or living a zombie life of pain and torment is worse. If you are reading this and you are fit and well then go pick loads of daisies, dance, sing, laugh, run, jump or just run down the road waving your knickers in the air as life sadly is too short and there is no price that can be placed on your health and happiness.

 

 

 

 

Published by

Wend

Married to Steve, I have two children - Rebecca and Richard. Steve has two children, Lauren and Chris. Rebecca lives with us (nurse Rebecca) and my mom Judy also has become nurse and housekeeper but lives in the West Midlands. My son is in the Army and comes home when he can. I am 47, born in 1967 and I was told I had bowel cancer on 22nd Feb 2015 and this blog is my journey through it. I hope it helps you as you were the reason I started it.

42 thoughts on “Hitting a Wall”

  1. All I can say is that I’ve suffered mild depression since my 20s and it gets the bit between its teeth when I get ill and especially when I’m in pain. It’s TOUGH, I’ve been there. The worst Is not knowing when or if life will get better. Take those painkillers even if they make you sleep the whole time. Remember Steve loves you, your children love you and your Mum loves you. They need you to hang on in there. You don’t need to be ultra brave or strong or fight any battles, you just need to survive this chemo treatment for their sakes.

    And don’t apologise to us lot! We all love you dearly but not like they do. Talk to Rennie Grove about it all, they will have helped hundreds in your position.

    Meanwhile, the cake is cooking so that’s more cardboard for you but cake for Steve and Rebecca! I’ll be in touch with Steve. TONS AND TONS of love, Hilary xxxxxxxx

    1. Hi Wendy, you are very brave. I am the same age as you and this February I was diagnosed with lung cancer. I will not pretend to know what you are going through as all cancer journeys are different. I have been lucky with minimal side effects from my chemo (Carboplatin and permetrexed)
      Reading your blog made me feel stupid for moaning about tingly feet and fingers.
      As we say in Scotland, keep yir chin up, and I wish you all the best.

      1. Hello and thank you for sending me a message. Sorry to hear about your cancer. How are you doing, are they going to operate? Is it curable? OMG I think you are the first cancer sufferer that has been in contact that is actually going through chemo too but for just another type. Lovely to hear from you :-) xxx

          1. week two is easier than week one for me but Monday will soon be here and off we will go again :-( but I’ll be brave xx

  2. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck…….. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck you barsteward cancer, leave my friend alone, your not clever and your not funny now fuck off!!!!!!! Be Strong babe XXX keep ya chin up Steve 😉

    1. FUCK – Love it and I couldn’t have put it better myself. Feeling a bit better now. Thanks for your support and swearing it made me laugh :-) xx

    2. Can I say a big fat DITTO…brilliantly put Tony.
      Huge gentle hugs Wends, and keep bouncing back.
      You’re gonna rock you’re long short wig style. I wonder do they have any fun funky punky ones?
      Love to all xxx

  3. Oh Wendy you do not have to apologise to us….it makes me so sad to read this blog…please don’t give up your family loves you dearly as do all your friends…if you dont feel like responding to texts and messages we all understand so stop beating yourself up…alls we all want is for you to feel better…we are all keeping everything crossed that this chemo is working….sending a big hug and lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxx

    1. Thank Nicky, it’s just so hard to go through and it’s been months of illness but I’ll keep going don’t you worry, sorry I made you sad xx

  4. I was pleased that you just gave in and rested(if you can call induced sleep rest) tears in my eyes reading this but can only hope the chemo works enough to make you our Wendy again but you know you shouldn’t feel guilty about your loved ones,that’s what love is caring for each other and YOU would be the first to do the same. Everyone loves you and understands so what if you miss a blog, it’s you that’s important.Xxxx ex ex ex B.

    1. Thanks ex ex ex ex boss lol, I’m just not a good patient, I like you don’t like being dependent on others. Feeling a little better now. Thanks for all your love and support xx

  5. Oh Wendy how many times have I heard your expression “man up”! Well even the strongest man/ person has a breaking point and I think with all your pain you’ve found yours. We can only hope your pain will ease, and I believe it’s a small price to pay losing your hair if this chemo works. It’s not what you look like, it’s who you are that Steve, Rebecca, Richard your mum and all of us love.
    Thinking of you all, as always. XxxxxX

    1. Thanks Mary Poppins, it’s just so hard with no end in sight, it just gets me down sometimes. Miss you all everyday and thanks for caring xx

  6. Wendy if I’m being honest as honest as you are.

    I can’t read these all the time. Doesn’t mean I don’t care about you because I do.

    You know it’s close to home for me to and dealing with it is very hard.

    It’s all consuming and overwhelming and we all have to face it in the way that we feel best.

    Keep fighting Wendy boss x

    And never think you let anybody down because you don’t.

    Was gonna send this private like and keep my reputation up, but hey what’s a reputation 😉

    1. Oh bless you Vaughan, thank you so much as I know that your facing your own fears at the moment. It’s so hard to deal with everyday for people who care about you and that probably why people don’t say what it’s really like or their inner feelings. Thank you so much for your message it means so much to me. xx

  7. Stay strong huni,i know how you feel,i was the same with my Grade 3 Breast cancer & had some really bad days.You will get used to having no hair,i did cry for 3wks but then realised it will grow back & it did.
    Pineapple chunks take the nasty taste out your mouth that chemo leaves you with,i had a nasty metal taste.
    Big Hug xxx

  8. wendy
    I don’t have the words just realise that the rest of the population would have hit the wall weeks ago

    Thinking of you all everyday
    Deborah
    xxx

  9. Ohh wendy.
    I have the biggest lump in my throat reading this. . And I dont know what to say .
    Sending love, as are so many others xxx

  10. Yes I agree with your last paragraph. If only we could understand how precious our health is we would probably not take it for granted. I have been in the darkest of places and have wondered how I can endure a life of pain and fatigue. No one should judge those feelings unless they truly know what that place is like. Life can feel like an ongoing battle and an uphill struggle. I don’t have the answers Wendy I wish I did. Sending you my love and don’t feel that you have to be brave. It’s okay to lament and grieve for the life you have lost. Take it a day at a time and feel angry if you need to. You have the right xxx

  11. Well my little Cupcake, we know the lady that you are; no exclamation required :-)
    We know the funny, upbeat, amazing, hilarious character that you are, sure we were laughing together within minutes of meeting <3
    We know your dedication, how you manage your store and look after & mother your team, we know how you charge up the passion with your team to support charities.
    We know the strength of your love for Mr Wonderful, Richard, Rebecca, your Mum, even Mollymoo & ungrateful Tia.
    We also know the solid loyalty you have for all of us your friends and doing right by people.
    And we know your human and the bravest of soldiers have their breaking point and that's allowed because you will pick yourself back up and soldier on to the best of your ability. <3

    You do not DO NOT have anything to apologise for, I personally don't know how you've kept your moral so strong for so long.
    I hate knowing that you are suffering so horrifically and I pray to God to help you, to see you and your amazing family through this traumatic time.

    Please hold strong my lovely, your family need you and we want you too.

    Please just be yourself , you don't need to pretend to any of us that everything is grand and your on top of it <3
    just talk to us as you do warts n all

    Sending you all my heartfelt Love & Hugs Always xxxxxx

    1. thanks my angel, what would I do without you everyday? Thank you for your lovely message and I’m sorry if I made you sad. I’ll bounce back don’t you worry. Love you xxx

  12. Wendy I am so sad to hear how you are suffering love. It’s just so unfair. Sending love and prayers to you all in the hope that your pain will be under control and you can have some quality time xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  13. hope your feeling a lot better today Wendy, was worried about yesterdays blog from Steve, I know you are always in good spirits in front of anyone, I also know that it is all a big act and you don’t
    want us to know, so we don’t worry. I just wish that they can get your pain under control, it must be bad for you to contemplate
    ending it all. thinking of you and the family every day and sending
    lots of love to all. xxxxx

  14. Awww Wendy, this is heartbreaking to read, cancer is a terrible, terrible disease and the treatment can make you feel much worse, but remember always how much you are loved by all your family and friends and don’t feel guilty that they want to help you. Get plenty of rest and keep taking the pain relief. Sending lots of love to you allxw

  15. Sorry I’m late, don’t you ever be sorry, don’t you think that you’re entitled to feel the way you feel, you cry if you want to, you have to let your emotions out, you haven’t got to be brave all the time, that it self is hard work and tiring , I imagine the thoughts are very easy to to think about when you can’t see light at the end of the tunnel, but there will be and there be more good days for you and your loving family, when I had the breakdowns I thought that people around me were fed up with me and just wanted me out the way, that’s just not the case, I would have just cheated myself and my family off the good times to come, I know it’s completely different for you but please try to not think like it, your family are nothing without you, they want you here with them as long as they can, you keep up with the pain relief and do rest it doesn’t matter , don’t forget chemo is very nasty it kills all your good cells off as well as the bad, your body is going through hell, don’t forget what I said when I had my cancer, take my arm, my leg as long as I’m still here it doesn’t matter,if we could all take a little pain from you we would, just do what you feel, if that’s what you want then we’re all happy, thinking of you always and sorry if this is confusing I know I’ve confused my self, chemo I ain’t been right since, so that’s something else for you to look forward to, lol, I’m like a special needs person sometimes, love you all to the moon and back, xxxxxxxxxxx great big huge hugs and kisses, xxxxxxxxxxxx

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