So last night I checked the weather forecast as if it is due to rain in the night I stack up the cushions in the chemo gazebo to protect them from the elements. I went to bed at 2 am and as previous night and I’m awake at 4 am. The usual routine applies 1/2 biscuit, coffee and a fag. Tia the ungrateful cat is ready for breakfast but Molly is as ever is still asleep.
The rain in the night has damaged the chemo gazebo and it had fallen down on one side due to the leg breaking. This makes me sad as the £20 Steve spent as a prototype to see if it would be okay has given me so much joy and enabled me to be outside throughout the summer. It has also become a giggle that friends and visitors look forward to, the famous chemo gazebo shot for on the blog. I look at her all broken and I feel like I am losing a good friend. Stupid really hey. Steve has tried to put her back together again but I fear the tip will be her final resting place.
I settle into my lovely new chair that we got yesterday and it’s just so comfortable that I work from 5 – 6.30 on project work and then I fall sleep in my chair as get another 1 1/2 hours extra ZZZ’s. This is fabulous for me but when Rebecca wakes and see’s me asleep and so comfortable she doesn’t even make herself a cup of tea as she doesn’t want to wake me up, bless her. Mom however when she woke was straight at the kettle and I woke up but at least I’ve had a bit more sleep.
The platform for the Daisy Den was completed today, thanks Frank and his team. We just need to wait until it’s dry and then we are ready for delivery of Daisy Den. It’s getting closer and closer and I am so excited. Steve calls it his labour of love for me in building it and he is excited too.
I had to go to the doctors today and its the same doctor that I saw when we were desperate for help due to my pain, she was the one that organised for the Ian Rennie nurses to deal with my palliative care. I go into see her and I apologise for crying all over her and then I cry all over her again as we have to talk about my prognosis of now being under a year due to the first chemo treatment not working and completion of forms to access the DS1500 form. This done and extra drugs ordered I cry again as I leave her and she hugs me. I’m having an emotional day today of crying.
I then have a call from Amanda, HR at BHS regarding the conference and arrangements for next week, plus just a general catch up as she always does to support me. I cry throughout this conversation too. I told you I was having an emotional day. Steve gets tissues and more tissues as the conversation goes on. I am just so glad to be going to conference to be part of the business as I missed the last one. I want to live, I want to be with people, to share the experience of conference, to pick daisies and have a laugh as we always do at these events. I look forward to just talking and seeing people that I haven’t seen for a while. So whatever state health wise I’m in next week I am going and I’m going to have a bloody good time
The other reason that I’m so emotional and the title of this post being ‘feeling loved’ is that I am blessed by having such wonderful family and friends. My chair means so much to me, thanks mom. It has made such a difference in my comfort in just 24 hours as the chemo gazebo is on her last legs. Then I get all the support from Teresa and Emma with all the wonderful cakes that have been baked for the fund raisers over today and tomorrow. Teresa asks me to even judge the best cake.
My BHS Kingston family have been sending me messages of excitement and support for tomorrows event. Even Vaughan and the Uxbridge team have been at it and their total fund raising should be in soon. All of this, every penny goes towards such a wonderful charity and means so much to me to help them but I couldn’t do it without such amazing help from you all.
I had a text from Jani this morning who is a volunteer from Beating Bowel Cancer, she is in contact with me often, helping me with advice or just offering to talk to me when I can’t sleep at anytime day or night. I’m sad to read that another member has joined the forum and they are only 22 years of age! This makes me so sad and as I tell Amanda about this on the phone later it makes me cry again. I wish I could stop the pain and heartache that I have seen my loved ones go through for others, I wish I could take all the suffering away, theirs and mine but I can’t and we are all in the hands of the medical world to try whatever they can to extend our lives. This however means suffering and hard core drugs. None of this is easy but whenever I hear of someone else joining this shit journey it just upsets me too much.
So it’s a shorter post today as I am emotional and overwhelmed by all your love and support I get everyday. Sometimes when I sit alone thinking I often wonder how do I ever repay you for all this, how do I say thank you to all the special people in my life but the truth is sometimes their are no words that are ever enough and so I won’t even try today. I hope that you all get my point as I type this whole bloody post through both tears of sadness and overwhelming joy of being so lucky and blessed to have you all in my life everyday even if it is via the internet.