Feeling Loved

So last night I checked the weather forecast as if it is due to rain in the night I stack up the cushions in the chemo gazebo to protect them from the elements. I went to bed at 2 am and as previous night and I’m awake at 4 am. The usual routine applies 1/2 biscuit, coffee and a fag. Tia the ungrateful cat is ready for breakfast but Molly is as ever is still asleep.

Poor chemo gazebo on her last legs :-(
Poor chemo gazebo on her last legs :-(

The rain in the night has damaged the chemo gazebo and it had fallen down on one side due to the leg breaking. This makes me sad as the £20 Steve spent as a prototype to see if it would be okay has given me so much joy and enabled me to be outside throughout the summer. It has also become a giggle that friends and visitors look forward to, the famous chemo gazebo shot for on the blog. I look at her all broken and I feel like I am losing a good friend. Stupid really hey. Steve has tried to put her back together again but I fear the tip will be her final resting place.

I settle into my lovely new chair that we got yesterday and it’s just so comfortable that I work from 5 – 6.30 on project work and then I fall sleep in my chair as get another 1 1/2 hours extra ZZZ’s. This is fabulous for me but when Rebecca wakes and see’s me asleep and so comfortable she doesn’t even make herself a cup of tea as she doesn’t want to wake me up, bless her. Mom however when she woke was straight at the kettle and I woke up but at least I’ve had a bit more sleep.

Platform ready  for Daisy Den :-)
Platform ready for Daisy Den :-)

The platform for the Daisy Den was completed today, thanks Frank and his team. We just need to wait until it’s dry and then we are ready for delivery of Daisy Den. It’s getting closer and closer and I am so excited. Steve calls it his labour of love for me in building it and he is excited too.

 

 

 

I had to go to the doctors today and its the same doctor that I saw when we were desperate for help due to my pain, she was the one that organised for the Ian Rennie nurses to deal with my palliative care. I go into see her and I apologise for crying all over her and then I cry all over her again as we have to talk about my prognosis of now being under a year due to the first chemo treatment not working and completion of forms to access the DS1500 form. This done and extra drugs ordered I cry again as I leave her and she hugs me. I’m having an emotional day today of crying.

I then have a call from Amanda, HR at BHS regarding the conference and arrangements for next week, plus just a general catch up as she always does to support me. I cry throughout this conversation too. I told you I was having an emotional day. Steve gets tissues and more tissues as the conversation goes on. I am just so glad to be going to conference to be part of the business as I missed the last one. I want to live, I want to be with people, to share the experience of conference, to pick daisies and have a laugh as we always do at these events. I look forward to just talking and seeing people that I haven’t seen for a while. So whatever state health wise I’m in next week I am going and I’m going to have a bloody good time :-)

The winners, animal cakes yummy :-)
The winners, animal cakes yummy :-)

The other reason that I’m so emotional and the title of this post being ‘feeling loved’ is that I am blessed by having such wonderful family and friends. My chair means so much to me, thanks mom. It has made such a difference in my comfort in just 24 hours as the chemo gazebo is on her last legs. Then I get all the support from Teresa and Emma with all the wonderful cakes that have been baked for the fund raisers over today and tomorrow. Teresa asks me to even judge the best cake.

 

Emma's been baking all day for me too
Emma’s been baking all day for me too

My BHS Kingston family have been sending me messages of excitement and support for tomorrows event. Even Vaughan and the Uxbridge team have been at it and their total fund raising should be in soon. All of this, every penny goes towards such a wonderful charity and means so much to me to help them but I couldn’t do it without such amazing help from you all.

 

My favourite cake effort from Ruth Powers a friend of Teresa's and doesn't even know me but what effort, Bum Cakes, just amazing
My favourite cake effort from Ruth Powers a friend of Teresa’s and doesn’t even know me but what effort, Bum Cakes, just amazing

I had a text from Jani this morning who is a volunteer from Beating Bowel Cancer, she is in contact with me often, helping me with advice or just offering to talk to me when I can’t sleep at anytime day or night. I’m sad to read that another member has joined the forum and they are only 22 years of age! This makes me so sad and as I tell Amanda about this on the phone later it makes me cry again. I wish I could stop the pain and heartache that I have seen my loved ones go through for others, I wish I could take all the suffering away, theirs and mine but I can’t and we are all in the hands of the medical world to try whatever they can to extend our lives. This however means suffering and hard core drugs. None of this is easy but whenever I hear of someone else joining this shit journey it just upsets me too much.

So it’s a shorter post today as I am emotional and overwhelmed by all your love and support I get everyday. Sometimes when I sit alone thinking I often wonder how do I ever repay you for all this, how do I say thank you to all the special people in my life but the truth is sometimes their are no words that are ever enough and so I won’t even try today. I hope that you all get my point as I type this whole bloody post through both tears of sadness and overwhelming joy of being so lucky and blessed to have you all in my life everyday even if it is via the internet.

 

Published by

Wend

Married to Steve, I have two children - Rebecca and Richard. Steve has two children, Lauren and Chris. Rebecca lives with us (nurse Rebecca) and my mom Judy also has become nurse and housekeeper but lives in the West Midlands. My son is in the Army and comes home when he can. I am 47, born in 1967 and I was told I had bowel cancer on 22nd Feb 2015 and this blog is my journey through it. I hope it helps you as you were the reason I started it.

24 thoughts on “Feeling Loved”

  1. Hi Wendy sorry to hear your so emotional today. You are helping a lot of people through your blog petition fund raising. It’s amazing that you are doing all these things and more to help other when you are going through so much yourself. You sharing your journey with us is all the thanks we need. Glad Daisy Den foundation are finished won’t be long now until you are all snug in your own amazing Den. Pleased to hear the chair is comfortable hopefully you will be able to get some more sleep though out the day. I hope you have a good night XXX

    1. Hi Mary, I just find it so overwhelming that people are so kind and thoughtful, like yourself and the team in High Wycombe. People can be so good, there should be more love in the world I think and today I feel loved :-) xxx

  2. Oh wen you are such a trooper!! We all love you so very much and will do everything we can to make this easier for you even if that is just being there when you need us. Sorry it’s been an emotional day( not like you at all. Lol!!! ) Always thinking of you. Loads of love. Xxx

    1. I know right, not like me at all but sometimes it just washes over me, peoples pain and suffering through disease and then kindness of others to help. I’m lucky as many go through this alone and then I cry at that too, it’s just been a crying day and that’s okay too sometimes I think xx Thank you for always being there for me xx

  3. Can’t say much, crying with you.Sick of my bloody knee pain so I can only imagine what you go through. Blimey Wend with all the love, good wishes and prayers from Rita you’d think he’d bloody listen.Hope your fundraiser goes well, fab cakes too,hope nobody sends a 6 year out of date bottle of wine! Love from ex ex exB

    1. Lol, lets hope hey and pain is pain whatever the cause when you can’t get away from it. It brings you down over time. I am very lucky and have great support I just wish others didn’t have to suffer, I think I want to change the world but I know I can’t, life sometimes just isn’t fair is it :-( I hope knee improves soon for you. Thanks for your comments ex ex ex ex boss LOL xxx

  4. I don’t know what to say Wend, I’m welling up also reading how emotional you are today, I hope my little pressie cheers you up for the daisy den, you are every thing that it says, I’ve posted it today, so hopefully you will get it soon,
    Don’t worry chick, you know we all love you so much , good luck tomorrow sweet, I just love the bum cakes, I had a piece of lemon drizzle cake to day, sorry but the money went to that uncaring charity, we all know which one it is,
    One down day and loads of happier ones to come,
    Love you to the moon and back, try and sleep well, xxxxxxxxxxxxx

    1. Thank you mate and I’ll forgive the Lemon Drizzle cake but I’d love you to taste mine, it’s really good even though I shouldn’t say that about my own cooking but it is very good. I will have to make you one. Tomorrow I’ll have a none emotional day as I can’t have and others sad too. It just gets to me sometimes how lovely people are and I don’t know how to say thank you as thank you is small words for big gesture of support and love everyday. I’ll love whatever you have sent me and I will treasure it, thank you xx

  5. Emotional wow what a day I’m constantly surprised by the generosity and kindness of others we have had such fun at work today and the cakes were amazing, I’m not sure but I believe Ruth & Ben Worked at the food court at gatwick at the same time as you but that was so many years ago. One of the ladies at work her name is Sapna gave me £50 to donate to your just giving page, her and her sister each year donate that amount to The Marsden In memory of their mum but this year they wanted to put the money to your charity you truely are reaching out to people and seeing such generous acts of kindness gives you a little faith hope you continue to feel the love xx once the monies have all been counted I will donate on your just giving but wanted to make this and Loraines donations as they both personnally gave the money to me to pass to you as they are touched by your story, you are very loved xxxx

    1. I know I saw it and the message, such lovely people and such a lovely thing for them to do for me because of knowing you. I have just found today so moving, all that you have done and I would have loved to have shared in the fun of it all. I know I keep saying thank you but I am so grateful, how wonderful you are and I’m so lucky to have you as a friend xxx feeling the Juddy love xxx

  6. Oh Wendy I’m now emotional too. But how lovely to have a doctor who hugs you. What a journey this is for all of us and thank you a million times over for taking us on it. I know that I will end up the richer for it so its us that needs to thank you, you idiot.

    Bye bye gazebo, hello den hey? Plus fab chair. So pleased that both are bringing pleasure and hope. Xxxxxx

    1. Oh Hilary, thank you what wonderful words and when I started this blog I thought who on earth is going to be interested in my story, how wrong you can be hey, it’s given me such strength and I’ve been able to talk to people I care about every day which means so much to me. Coffee and cake when get back and a good catch up I think is needed xxx

  7. My poor Wonderful Amazing you X
    I’m devasted that you have suffered so today :-(
    <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

    You've cried a river today my sweet, and I can only try to imagine the enormity of everything that's going through your mind.
    Coupled with the fact that your processing that DS1500 form which is …………… Sorry my lovely, words cannot begin to describe how to face up to that one xxx I love you girl xxx

    You will be with us all next week for Our Managers Conference my precious and we shall rock the place, guaranteed.
    Your work family love you and we're going to have family time & fun. So you get you glad rags ready & your wee Bridget Jones's on xxx

    The Bake Off support you are getting for your named Charity is absolutely mind blowing , you have some amazing friends out there and everyone is here just for you.
    YOU ARE NOT ALONE <3. EVER <3
    Hold on tight sweetheart, just hold tight x

    I send you my Love from the bottom of my heart x Always x
    To Steve, Mom, Richard & Rebeeca love and hugs

    I will see you soon Trendy Wendy
    Slobbery Kisses & Hugs xxxxxxxxxx

    1. I can’t wait to be with you and everyone else too, just to enjoy the company of everyone. To be normal or feel part of my BHS family. I have some wonderful friends and I’m blessed I know that and that’s what makes me so sad sometimes that I can’t express how much it means to me. I may just cry all over you again at conference lol. No I must pull myself together and be strong and just enjoy the time we have. Love you and your daily support and love, you know that my angel, thank you anyway again xx

    1. Wise words that are appreciated, thank you it’s just overwhelming to see and feel such love and support, how do you start to even say thank you? sometimes words are just not enough xx

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