Where on earth do I begin? Okay so where I left off yesterday is a good start hey.
Saturday 25th July
Our afternoon and evening had a plan to it. Girly chats and general catch up, dinner, old photos, karaoke and more girly chats with maybe a beer. Now a great plan hey but it all depends on how well I feel. It was lovely seeing Jiffy, Ish and Bee, it’s lovely seeing everyone who comes and sees me. I always try to be the best I can be if anyone visits as I don’t want anyone to worry. I hide pain as much as I can and any feeling of being tired. I would always say to my loved ones if they said for example “have you got a cold coming?” I would reply “no, I’m strong like ox.” Well I used to pre cancer and I can usually draw on that same inner strength to convince them and me that I am strong and perfectly fine.
Within an hour of it just being Nicky, Beth, Rebecca, Steve and I the tiredness starts again. I want to walk Molly as I haven’t taken her out for 8 days now, Rebecca or my mom have taken her (don’t phone the RSCPA yet she gets a daily walk). I miss watching her run in the sunshine after her beloved ball, I miss watching her swim in the lake and the freedom of being outside, walking and talking with my loved ones who normally come along too. So Nicky, Rebecca and Beth have to take Molly for me. I stay in the chemo gazebo and settle down to rest, sad that yet again I haven’t been well enough to go. Steve joins me. Today I can see the worry lines in his face, funny how our faces can say so much. He misses the old me, it’s been such a hard week on us all. He leaves me to rest and sleep.
I wake and I feel so much better, like I have really slept, refreshed for a change. The feeling is so good. So a couple of coffees and more fags than I should have I’m suddenly full of energy. Now I’m really looking to our evening to come. Steve and I manage to have a quick chat alone in the garden before I start cooking with the team and it’s a sobering one. When anyone is ill they may have an operation and the recovery process maybe slow but everyday it usually gets better. Chemo is the reverse, you take a well person and make them ill. Now although you are told you have a serious illness you look at your loved one and think that you can never imagine them dying or being so ill that they are close to death but for the first time Steve can see that in me, what end of days suffering could be like. My poor loved ones see so much sadness from the disease that I don’t want others to see, but that brings real sadness to their faces and I can clearly see that reflected in my hubby’s face today.
So forget the serious stuff, as James Brown would say ‘I feel good’ and I’m not wasting a moment. We all cook together, Rebecca and Beth are in charge of sauces, I’m doing the Mediterranean chicken and Nicky is on vegetables, oh and steve is the MC himself and in charge of music. My kitchen becomes alive again with laughter and just beautiful moment sharing. We ate and all enjoyed the meal which everyone made. Coffee, fag, chemo tablets and a slice of chocolate cake we then enjoy old photos and a trip down memory lane with our daughters of the fun life we have shared together since the age of 17. Steve however played MarioKart, bless him as my house is full of estrogen only but at least he doesn’t have to talk about fishing with Keith lol.
Now I’m still feeling good so it’s on to karaoke and for the first time since Christmas 2014 I am on my feet singing and dancing with my daughter and it feels good. Just to do silly stuff with them all. I can’t sing and do you know what? I don’t care. Life is not about being great or even good at doing something it the just doing it cos you can laugh at yourself or make others laugh that counts. We sang and danced for over an hour, I even had a cold beer, now life is really feeling good.
Fun and all sang out we return to girlie chats and now Nicky and I can talk forever and even the strongest willed of people would give up on us at some point. Steve retires first, followed by Rebecca and then the beautiful Beth. Nicky and I continue chatting until 4 o’clock. I don’t want the night to end as I haven’t felt this well for so long but eventually we go to bed.
Sunday 26th July
I’m really hoping after 4 small beers I will sleep until at least 9 o’clock but no it’s 7.30 and I am awake again but I still feel good and I’m embracing that feeling for every second that I can now and for the next 12 days until chemo cycle 4 starts :-(.
During our girlie chat Nicky says that she can’t believe how busy my life is. She now gets why the curfew time is needed so much. She said that she reads my blog daily and feels exhausted reading it sometimes but being here and seeing the visitors, phone calls, message answering, writing and editing my blog, then responding to daily contact emails etc then trying to cook, clean and rest is a daily constant mix of highs and lows. You can rarely finish a conversation in our house as someones comes in or the phone goes and so on. She sees how little time Steve and I have together alone. I also then remind her that I have to work too but work is always a pleasure for me as are the other things listed. I never knew what my blog would become and how it would change my life but I don’t regret starting it for one second. I have never felt so loved and so connected with people like I do now. Friendships old and new inspire me to continue to write daily. I enjoy sharing the highs and it’s hard but the lows have to go in too. Warts and all it all has to go in my daily post. My need to help people is satisfied through each post. Every time someone contacts me to share their pain of loss or experience of cancer I feel so blessed that they have taken a moment to share it with me. Each comment on the blog that is left will always be there forever for anyone to read and I really love that. So sincere thanks to you all for giving me the encouragement to carry on with my daily ramblings.
It’s 8.30 now and the house is starting to wake up. My kitchen is like I’ve had 100 people in it for a wild party and I can’t clear up yet as I don’t want to wake anyone up, they need their rest. A more relaxing day is planned of a full English breakfast and more girly time. I hope I can walk Molly today and then it’s a Sunday roast
Good news everyone the plan worked breakfast was followed my more memory lane giggles and then all too soon Nicky and Beth had to go. Steve took Rebecca to Josh’s at the same time as Nicky and Beth left so all at once the house was still and quiet. I was knackered and lay on the settee exhausted, I close my eyes and drink in the silence, my head is swimming and rest is needed. Steve returns and leaves me to sleep.
Steve and I walked Molly, an hour together without interruption, being able to finish a conversation is wonderful. I haven’t walked Molly for 9 days and I’ve missed it so much. I’m at the hospice tomorrow and we have to plan for Friday’s meeting with Dr Weaver. Once home I agree to take pain killers and although it’s raining it feels good to be safe and warm at home with a Sunday dinner to look forward too.
Final thanks to Rita, Guy and all at the Methodist church in Kingswinford for your prayers and in fact all of you out there who send me your best wishes as this constant flow of love gives me so much strength.