So yesterday was a complete blur, we started off with Tramadol which didn’t work and so we moved onto morphine. This turned me into a Zombie and only awake for a few moments every hour and even when awake my eyelids kept drooping like in the Tom and Jerry cartoons. The more pain I was in the more morphine I took and the worse it got. It must have been so hard for Steve, mom and Rebecca to see. They would talk to me but I couldn’t focus on listening or talking to them. I couldn’t focus on writing my blog or replying to any messages, now you know I’m bad to not be replying to you guys.
Midnight came and I decided to go to bed, Steve was going to stay up as he can’t sleep if he is worried about me and he had seen me suffer all day. I went to brush my teeth and as soon as I had I started being sick, really sick but I hadn’t had time to get to the toilet. I shout downstairs for Steve to get my a jug. I then spend the next 10 minutes trying to scoop out the sick from the sink into the toilet. We had Moussaka for tea and there was aubergines, mince and potato everywhere. Too much detail I hear you say but ‘warts and all’ that’s what I was doing at midnight, scooping sick.
I felt instantly better, I went back downstairs and told Steve “no more drugs, we have to find another way”. Julie my ex ex boss who now works for Boots had been speaking to the pharmacist at Boots and one good idea was to spread the painkillers so that you don’t have periods of time without any pain relief, so I said that tomorrow we should try this and Ibuprofen gel for the pain in my groin and back.
I go to sleep just after midnight and wake again at 3 am. So I start the new pain relief regime and take just one double strength Neurofen along with a coffee, 1/2 biscuit and a fag. Josh, Rebecca’s boyfriend brought me a #hashtagaday note book and a pen that says ‘get stuff done’ so I’m using that to write down all the painkillers I take everyday. It’s so early but at least I don’t feel drugged up and spaced out. I doze on the settee in the kitchen and move outside at day break. Molly Moo, the dog is a little spoilt bless her and she has so many balls which always seem to go missing and this morning I’ve discovered why. I saw a squirrel running along the garden fence with what I thought was an apple in it’s mouth but as it ran down the fence and past one of Molly’s other balls on the ground I could see that it was actually the same size as Molly’s tennis balls. So our squirrels must have their own ball pit of Molly’s balls or enjoy a game of tennis when us humans are asleep!
Steve, mom and Rebecca finally wake and are amazed at how different I am without drugs. I have even managed a shower where I say to Steve “just think of the money I’ll save on shampoo and conditioner with no hair.” Well I have to start to laugh don’t I, and why only head hair? Us girls spend a fortune trying to get rid of other bodily hair. So I’ll still have to continue to deal with shaving as you can’t wax whilst on chemo, life just isn’t fair sometimes is it? Another thing you can’t do whilst on chemo is have any dentistry work done. I have my teeth cleaned at the dentist every 6 months and even this is not allowed. Yesterday whilst in a brief period of being awake, I was just talking to Steve and the back of my tooth fell out, I wasn’t even eating anything it just fell out. I have made an appointment for Tuesday but I doubt if they will help me. My body is literally falling apart!
Steve and Mom go into town in search of gel and a walking stick, another idea of mine so that I keep the weight off my right leg. Mom returns with one that looks like it’s been painted by the people that do canal boat art, it’s red with roses on it. I said that I didn’t want a boring black walking stick and asked for a pink one, now I will look like I’ve stolen it from an episode of Rosie and Jim. I sleep in the afternoon as normal but it’s a normal sleep and not a drug induced one. I wake to emails of donations from Chris Shaw, who I used to work with at M&S in Oxford Street and Denise and the BHS North West Team. Thank you so much as I always love getting a donation for such a great charity.
I spoke to Mr Grey today and we discuss how serious I am about getting screening started for people from the age of 30, he agrees with my comments on the blog that if this was breast cancer there would be an outrage but because it’s bums and poo no one wants to know unless they have been affected by it. Mr Grey says that it’s mad as breast cancer is only for women but bowel cancer effects both sexes as we all have bums, this made me laugh but it’s so true. But how on earth am I going to change things to save just one life? When I spoke to Julie last night about it she said “lets just get you right first and then we will take on changing the world.” Wise words Julie but it’s probably too late for me and others like me now but what about all the people out there with bowel cancer of tomorrow at a young age, who is going to help the next generation? This troubles me as with so many and like me there are no symptoms until it’s too late.
I have finally caught up with all my messages from yesterday and I’m so sorry that I made you all worry. I’m back to normal now and hope to continue in that vein. How on earth people take morphine for pleasure is beyond me, I just don’t get it at all.
So Rita prayer list for tomorrow is for Karen and Frankie as normal, for peace for my loved ones as they have had yet another rough week and for anyone addicted to hard drugs through whatever illness they have as being on strong drugs is not a nice place to be in and they need peace too, thanks Rita xx
Oh and finally the iBook has been published and Steve is going to put a link on the blog for you or you can go directly to the store and get it for free. My only request is could you rate the book for me or leave a comment so that more people will think about reading it. It’s all about helping others and if more people read my story then more people will be educated and then together may just save one person, wouldn’t that be amazing