Last night when Rebecca returned home from a night out with friends to celebrate Josh’s birthday we watched X Factor together. The pain started to build again and as I knew I had one more dose of painkillers left I was hopeful of sleep tonight. X Factor over I joined Steve in the kitchen, he can see the pain I’m in. He fills my hot water bottle, I take my final painkillers of the day and he rubs Ibuprofen gel into my back to ease the pain. I tell him that I’m worried it’s gone into my bones the now the pain starts above my bra strap and goes all the way down my spine. Steve says that is just my nerves and that the tumours are maybe pressing upon them. Last fag together and I head upstairs at 1 am so surely I will be asleep until at least 5 am.
No not for me, I wake at 3.19 but I have been tossing and turning in pain for what seemed like ages. I can’t get up this early and I try to cope with the pain but I give up at 4 am and head downstairs. The pain is so intense that I want to grab every drug available and wash them down with 3 bottles of morphine followed by a glass of red wine, that should do it, but I don’t and won’t. I struggle to walk, my back and leg just ache so much. I manage to feed the cat and Molly, unusually she has woken up. One nurofen first whilst the coffee machine starts up, no 1/2 biscuit this morning it’s Malteasers, a gift from Jane yesterday and a handful of ibulieve gel for my back. Coffee and fag done I wait for the release of the pain to come, I watch the clock hoping an ease will come soon, which it does.
By 6 am I’m on the next lot of painkillers and gel on my leg as the aching is just so intense, I need help I know I do. I can’t carry on like this, the pain just gets me down so much. I think back to just a few weeks ago when I was coping, how fast things change with this shit disease.
I worry about my post being full of yet more pain complaints and self pity but that’s where I am right now, sorry.
As the pain lifts I decide to do two things, one send an email with my working hours to Amanda at work which I do every week. I also ask her for help on what my ‘death in service’ would be as I have to start to get things in order for my kids and family. Secondly I type up a list of my wishes should I die, this is for Steve as he worries that no one will know what I want done with my belongings, death in service money and funeral requests, so that’s now all done and it’s diverted the attention away from the pain at least for a short while.
Bank holidays in August were normally the last days of any annual holiday Steve and I had. Touring across Europe and beyond means long days on a bike and the journey home was normally just motorways as we sometimes spent an extra day wherever we were but the price was a boring two days riding to get to the tunnel. Fond happy memories which I treasure of me and my soul mate and the open road. I long to be that person again, to be pain free, to live without a care in the world apart from where are we heading to that today, looking forward to a shower and an evening meal and do we have enough beer for the evening.
Just before Christmas last year I remember a conversation with Steve were I said “do you know what Steve? We are all healthy, we are happy and life won’t always be this way so I’m thankful of these days of no health worries.” Did my sub conscience know what was to come, the cancer was already there, I just wasn’t aware of it? It does make me want to tell everyone to stop moaning and live everyday as we all have to die – fact! So make the most of health whilst you can and enjoy every pain free minute. I’m not just talking about cancer I’m talking about any illness, just because it may not be life threatening it doesn’t make pain any easier to bear. Yesterday talking to Leanne’s mom who has had a knee replacement recently we talked about pain, not sleeping and the disability that we both suffer. She like me doesn’t go out as fit able people push past us slow ones with walking sticks. We were both one of those people once, rushing around, working, looking after our families but all that is a distant memory and days are filled with pain, no sleep and painkillers.
I sleep in the chemo gazebo for an hour and wake to find mom is up, she wanted to use my laptop and had read today’s blog. She hugs me and says that she wishes she could make it all better, but no one can. Mom returns to the Midlands today, everyone needs a break from me, I wish I could get away from me. My mom would stay forever but we all need to have a balance in life and it’s important for everyone to have normality. For Steve it’s going into the office and for Rebecca it’s her job and friends, school starts this Wednesday for her.
So it’s a typical Bank Holiday and it rains all day so it’s DIY and a tip run for Steve, I’ve wanted to sort out the garage and loft for ages and today due to bad weather we have to do it. With mom gone I drive to Hughenden Park (moo moo land). I haven’t been out of the house for almost a week apart from going to the doctors so it’s lovely to be out but I can’t walk very well and even with my stick every step is so painful. I walk to the first bench and wait while Rebecca walks Molly. What must Rebecca think seeing me walk like a cripple, this makes me sad for her to see me like this. I make a joke about how fast I used to walk but it doesn’t really lift her spirits.
Back home Steve finishes the first lot of new shelving for the garage and it will all come together eventually.
Rita sends photo’s of the candles lit yesterday bless her as she has tried to make a W with them.
Like many of you she is shocked at the lack of support but I’m back on it tomorrow with my Doctors after I’ve been to the dentist.
My thoughts today have also been with Guy and his family but I don’t have his private mobile number so if anyone has it could you message me with it, thank you.
I’m hoping for a better night tonight in terms of sleep but if this doesn’t happen I haven’t long to wait to go to the doctor’s tomorrow.
Thanks to those of you that have offered already to bare their bums for charity, I will get in touch with you soon with more details 😉
Thank you Steve xxx
Well i’m sorry my Darlin but wanted to have a huge huge Rant on your behalf my lovely Wendy.
Our Cancer Patient Care health system Stinks,
it’s a public disgrace, what the hell is going on!!!!!!!!!
They would’nt let an animal suffer and go through what you have been through this day never mind all the others!!!!!
I have also believed that cancer sufferers were given special treatment and prioritised treatment.!!!!! How wrong was I 🙁
I am truly sorry to hear about you being in so much pain.
Cause havoc at the doctors tomorrow, let them know that something needs to be done for you right away.
Honestly the very idea that Steve and yourself are searching the Internet for answers is uncomprehendable 🙁
I hope you get to grips with the pain this evening and you have a good nights sleep cupcake.
Get your medication list ready for the Doc in the morning to see what you can take and what is safe xxx
I love you to the moon & back my Trendy <3 Just hang on in there honey <3
Big gentle Hugs to go with the love <3 xxx
Bloody hell Wendy please don’t ever say sorry for sharing with us your pain and as for self pity, that’s not self pity that’s sheer exhaustion from a bucket load of pain and lack of sleep!
I just hope that your doctor can give some assistance with your pain tomorrow.
We all take our health for granted, abuse our bodies in all different ways, drink, bad eating, lack of exercise ect and its not until we have a scare of some sort do we really pay any attention. I think we all appreciate our health particularly at the moment when we read that your going through hell.
You worry about your family seeing you in such pain, they worry about you being in such pain, you love them, they love you it’s natural to worry, none of us can ever stop worrying were all human and that’s what we do best.
I hope that you get some good nights sleep soon, I’m sure that would help you get through the day.
Sending the biggest Mary Poppins hug possible. X
Oh Wend,
It’s such an emotional roller coaster to read your blog, and in my own pathetic weakness, I occasionally shut down into denial. Words just seem to be so inadequate, and I never know what to give you as a form of comfort.
As everyone else does, I just wish I could take all of this away from you and your family, I really do.
So from over here, I send you the warmest hugs and strength.
Hopefully, the doctor can sort something out for you tomorrow.
Thinking of you.
x
Hi Paulette, sorry It’s taken me so long to reply to you on here but we have talked via private messages and your support and love is appreciated so much xx
Your post has made me tearful. It’s awful to hear of another person’s suffering but are unable to help.
Don’t apologise for writing about it – your blog is to let people know how it is – and this is how it is!
Demand some decent pain relief when you go to the Doctor’s tomorrow. Tell them you are not leaving without a prescription for Fentanyl lollipops. Please give them both barrels. Don’t hold back. The wheel that squeaks the loudest is the one that gets the grease.
Love the wheel quote, excellent. Thanks Lizzie and I have stronger painkillers now after crying all over the doctor, poor doctor seeing me hobble into her surgery, I can walk now without a stick 🙂 excellent hey xx
That was a bit Arthur Scargill I’m sorry but I’m proper angry for you.
I won’t be volunteering my @rse for the calendar Wendy because I’d cover the whole of May to September 😀 x
That’s ok and I understand it’s not to everyone’s taste but as long as you love yourself whatever your size is it doesn’t matter xx
Please don’t ever apologise for being you trying your upmost to get through every second of every day this is real it’s warts n all sending the juddy hugs just wish you could get a break from the pain just enough to make a special moment and I think Steve is right chemo damages the nerve endings that’s why your pain is getting so intense it’s in your body trying to fight this darn disease I pray and hope you get help tomorrow from your GP love n juddy hugs xx
Hi to all the Juddy’s and I hope you are having a fabulous holiday. Thanks as always for the Juddy hugs as they are always lovely to receive xx
Wen we read your blog so that we can find out about the good and the bAd times. Don’t ever apologise for being honest. I really hope you get a decent nights pain free sleep tonight. Sweet dreams my lovely. Love to all of you from all of us. Xxx
Dearest Wendy, don’t you dare apologise, you naughty girl! Now get back to your GP and get the pain sorted. It’s a viscious circle of pain, worry, tension which leads to more pain and round you go again. They MUST be able to give you something that helps substantially and doesn’t make you ill. It may make you woozy for a few days as you get used to it.
What an awful day it was yesterday. Enough to make anyone feel blue. At least there’s some sun today even if it’s raining as I write this. Blimey, it’s doing a stair rods job at the moment, lol, that’ll teach me to say the sun’s shining! Don’t give up, and remember those of us of a religious persuasion are praying for your pain to go and for you to gain some inner peace and, preferably a full recovery if a God wills.
Do you use jam? I’ve made some blackberry and apple jelly and I could let you have a jar or two whilst Ian’s not looking if you like jam with toast or anything like that. I haven’t managed to gauge whether you’re off food or eating as normal. I imagine “lightly” but I may be wrong. Let me know.
Xxxxxxxxx to you, Steve and Rebecca
Hi Hilary, thanks you for the jam offer and I remember very fondly a buffet at your house, you cook so well and I will never forget the size of your stilton cheese which I love with port 🙂 Jam would be lovely and Ian will never know lol xx
just don’t know how you are coping with all the pain and without sleep. I always thought that people with cancer were kept under check and pain kept to a minimum. why have you been overlooked, start making a noise and maybe they will take more notice. all the best at the doctors and make him listen, lets hope you will be pain free on different medication. fingers crossed,xxx
Hi Aunty Shelia, thank you for your comment and I just cried all over the doctor, poor doctor but I couldn’t help myself. Drugs are better and I have been referred again, that’s 4 times now! Hope you are okay and the cruise was everything you wished it would be, the photo’s look amazing. I loved your Happy Birthday song to me by the way, you are so lovely, funny and special very special to me xxx