Last night when Rebecca returned home from a night out with friends to celebrate Josh’s birthday we watched X Factor together. The pain started to build again and as I knew I had one more dose of painkillers left I was hopeful of sleep tonight. X Factor over I joined Steve in the kitchen, he can see the pain I’m in. He fills my hot water bottle, I take my final painkillers of the day and he rubs Ibuprofen gel into my back to ease the pain. I tell him that I’m worried it’s gone into my bones the now the pain starts above my bra strap and goes all the way down my spine. Steve says that is just my nerves and that the tumours are maybe pressing upon them. Last fag together and I head upstairs at 1 am so surely I will be asleep until at least 5 am.
No not for me, I wake at 3.19 but I have been tossing and turning in pain for what seemed like ages. I can’t get up this early and I try to cope with the pain but I give up at 4 am and head downstairs. The pain is so intense that I want to grab every drug available and wash them down with 3 bottles of morphine followed by a glass of red wine, that should do it, but I don’t and won’t. I struggle to walk, my back and leg just ache so much. I manage to feed the cat and Molly, unusually she has woken up. One nurofen first whilst the coffee machine starts up, no 1/2 biscuit this morning it’s Malteasers, a gift from Jane yesterday and a handful of ibulieve gel for my back. Coffee and fag done I wait for the release of the pain to come, I watch the clock hoping an ease will come soon, which it does.
By 6 am I’m on the next lot of painkillers and gel on my leg as the aching is just so intense, I need help I know I do. I can’t carry on like this, the pain just gets me down so much. I think back to just a few weeks ago when I was coping, how fast things change with this shit disease.
I worry about my post being full of yet more pain complaints and self pity but that’s where I am right now, sorry.
As the pain lifts I decide to do two things, one send an email with my working hours to Amanda at work which I do every week. I also ask her for help on what my ‘death in service’ would be as I have to start to get things in order for my kids and family. Secondly I type up a list of my wishes should I die, this is for Steve as he worries that no one will know what I want done with my belongings, death in service money and funeral requests, so that’s now all done and it’s diverted the attention away from the pain at least for a short while.
Bank holidays in August were normally the last days of any annual holiday Steve and I had. Touring across Europe and beyond means long days on a bike and the journey home was normally just motorways as we sometimes spent an extra day wherever we were but the price was a boring two days riding to get to the tunnel. Fond happy memories which I treasure of me and my soul mate and the open road. I long to be that person again, to be pain free, to live without a care in the world apart from where are we heading to that today, looking forward to a shower and an evening meal and do we have enough beer for the evening.
Just before Christmas last year I remember a conversation with Steve were I said “do you know what Steve? We are all healthy, we are happy and life won’t always be this way so I’m thankful of these days of no health worries.” Did my sub conscience know what was to come, the cancer was already there, I just wasn’t aware of it? It does make me want to tell everyone to stop moaning and live everyday as we all have to die – fact! So make the most of health whilst you can and enjoy every pain free minute. I’m not just talking about cancer I’m talking about any illness, just because it may not be life threatening it doesn’t make pain any easier to bear. Yesterday talking to Leanne’s mom who has had a knee replacement recently we talked about pain, not sleeping and the disability that we both suffer. She like me doesn’t go out as fit able people push past us slow ones with walking sticks. We were both one of those people once, rushing around, working, looking after our families but all that is a distant memory and days are filled with pain, no sleep and painkillers.
I sleep in the chemo gazebo for an hour and wake to find mom is up, she wanted to use my laptop and had read today’s blog. She hugs me and says that she wishes she could make it all better, but no one can. Mom returns to the Midlands today, everyone needs a break from me, I wish I could get away from me. My mom would stay forever but we all need to have a balance in life and it’s important for everyone to have normality. For Steve it’s going into the office and for Rebecca it’s her job and friends, school starts this Wednesday for her.
So it’s a typical Bank Holiday and it rains all day so it’s DIY and a tip run for Steve, I’ve wanted to sort out the garage and loft for ages and today due to bad weather we have to do it. With mom gone I drive to Hughenden Park (moo moo land). I haven’t been out of the house for almost a week apart from going to the doctors so it’s lovely to be out but I can’t walk very well and even with my stick every step is so painful. I walk to the first bench and wait while Rebecca walks Molly. What must Rebecca think seeing me walk like a cripple, this makes me sad for her to see me like this. I make a joke about how fast I used to walk but it doesn’t really lift her spirits.
Back home Steve finishes the first lot of new shelving for the garage and it will all come together eventually.
Like many of you she is shocked at the lack of support but I’m back on it tomorrow with my Doctors after I’ve been to the dentist.
My thoughts today have also been with Guy and his family but I don’t have his private mobile number so if anyone has it could you message me with it, thank you.
I’m hoping for a better night tonight in terms of sleep but if this doesn’t happen I haven’t long to wait to go to the doctor’s tomorrow.
Thanks to those of you that have offered already to bare their bums for charity, I will get in touch with you soon with more details 😉