Monday morning blues I think! Steve and Rebecca have gone off to work. I plan to go into the Wycombe store to work but I feel so flat inside. My mom has returned home to the Midlands as she goes on holiday this Wednesday. Now this leaves me with a big problem as she edits all my posts. I tend to sit in my chemo gazebo and try to focus on what I’m posting for that day. Then I ask my mom to read it through for me. She enjoys this job and now she isn’t here. So I have to cope for nearly 3 weeks by doing the corrections over the phone everyday with her.
So I’m on my own at home and it’s raining. I quickly tidy up the kitchen, as mom’s not here to do it, bless her and I head into the Wycombe store. I say hello to everyone but Mary is day off so it’s just not the same, no coffee buddy today. I pull off the previous weeks trading figures for Kingston to analysis and I’m sad, sad because I’m on my own, no one for me to be brave in front of, no one for me to make laugh or smile. I realise that being on my own is dangerous , as I tend to only think negative thoughts and get sad. Fear always starts to creep in and my mind won’t focus on anything.
There are holiday request forms on the desk and I’m jealous, jealous of people who can plan their lives and can look forward to holidays.
I’m looking through the reports and feeling very alone when Mary texted me to say that she is sorry that she is not there and that we could meet up for coffee on Wednesday. I am so lucky that throughout my day people think of me and contact me, just when I seem to need them.
Then Rebecca calls me, she has been to the doctors that morning and has been told she has to go to A&E. I quickly pack up my stuff and head for home. I’m glad I’m going to be with her soon, glad of someone who needs me, glad of the company and glad of the detraction from my thoughts. I can now hide my fears of life and focus on her.
I won’t go into details of why we are going to A&E but it’s her girlie bits, let’s just leave it there hey LOL.
So off to A&E we go, we were waiting at the reception desk when a nurse came through the double doors and shouted “Wendy!” I’m so used to being the one being seen that I started to walk towards her, Rebecca grabbed my arm and we both giggled.
The receptionist told us to go to ward 16. That is the surgical ward where I was on 6th February this year. I’m heading to the ‘waiting room of doom’ with the hard chairs. We go around the corner and we bump into Jodie. She works for Mr Mullerat and assisted in my operation, she came to see me every day and was part of the amazing team that week that looked after me. I recognised her straight away and I was amazed that she remembered me as we hadn’t seen each other since March. It was great to see her. I told her about the cancer spreading into my lymph nodes, we spoke about Karen and I was again shocked that she seemed up to speed with Karen too and the problems she was having. I told her about my blog and she said to leave the details with Wendy the ward sister. This I did and I really hope that she reads my blog and can pass on the site details with anyone whom it may help.
I’m sat in the ‘waiting room of doom’ writing up today’s post. So the longer we are here the longer this post will be ha-ha.
I keep making Rebecca laugh by saying “all this is going in my blog you know” in fact I think everyone at home is now scared to say anything to me as it may go into my blog. I now use it as I joke saying “that’s it! Get my laptop, that’s going in”.
Before we set off from home I had to call my mom and Steve and do the “now don’t panic but I’m off to A&E.” Mom is concerned that I shouldn’t be in hospital as it’s full of sick people, she has a point but I’m not leaving my baby. Well Rebecca is 22 now but our babies are always our babies aren’t they?
The weekend was lovely, the wedding on Saturday and then Lauren visiting on Sunday. This weekend was my first rest weekend from chemo. I had thought my rest days would be good but I feel worse than I thought I would. Saturday I woke with the oddest of pains in my back of my head. I went straight to the painkillers. Sunday was draining and after Lauren had gone. Steve and I feel asleep in each others’ arms, in the chemo gazebo. Steve slept through contentment. I was happy but just exhausted but I had managed to hold it all together for everyone. Lauren sent me a lovely text when she got home and I started to read it out loud to Steve but I had to stop as I was in bits and couldn’t speak through the tears.
So back to the ‘waiting room of doom’ and Rebecca has just been called through.
As I sit and wait I see familiar faces from my time there. The nurses that took my blood’s, the man that got me to sign my operation consent papers, but I didn’t see the doctors that had to tell Steve and I that he thought we were looking at it being cancer. We called him ‘Will I am’ as he looked like him and we thought he was Mr Mullerat at the time.
Rebecca was seen quickly and we were soon on the way home. She called my mom, moms of that age (sorry mom) prefer a call rather then a text. She sent other update texts and then puts some music on and we sing all the way home, stopping off at McDonalds for a strawberry milkshake to make her feel better.
So I’m back home and I am happy that the day changed for me, that Rebecca needed me and I wasn’t on my own, sad and fearful of what’s going on inside me. The pain from the swollen lymph nodes in my neck hurt and I have to work hard at not letting it show, carrying bags is hard again and I should really get one with a strap of which I have loads but they didn’t match the shoes I was wearing today LOL.
I had wanted to write about less serious stuff today and I didn’t expect my afternoon to be spent in A&E writing this post. I have decided that as my ramblings today are not too long, and I don’t want to bore anyone. I still want to do some funny stuff. So here is my competition for you. The other day I was saying to Steve that we should design wacky T-Shirt slogans for people with cancer or people going through chemo and give the money to charity. This however has already been done (but without the money going to charity) but we had fun coming up with the ideas. Now the ones listed below are the best of what we could come up with but it’s up to you as to which one you think is the best.
My Oncologist does my hair
(This is Steve’s favourite)
I love my mom’s, which is
Chemo – Hair today, gone tomorrow
And Rebecca liked
Chemo – may the drugs be strong within you
(appealing to the Star Wars fans)
Others we liked were:
Don’t talk to me I’m on chemo
Don’t get mad, get chemo
I’m not pre menstrual I’m on chemo
Warning! Chemo at work
So I hope that my post today has left you smiling. As the final slogan I liked was:
‘humour killed my tumour’
If only life was that simple hey!