The results are in

So last night my poor Steve after a long and stressful day at work with just a quick sandwich was tired and hungry. He then spent the next 6 hours until after 1 am with me trying to upload the book for you all. I do think that maybe I had set a tight deadline and despite his best efforts we all had buffer face. We did get a download link onto the blog but the process of uploading it to iBooks was not funny and so we left it to cook overnight.

Going to bed together is lovely but my body has so many aches and pains that Steve can’t cuddle me, the only area okay is my tits and he says that this seems a bit wrong to just hold me there with tomorrow looming. I have to lie with a pillow between my legs to support my leg due to the tumour. Yes I’ve taken painkillers but they don’t take the pain away and I know I have to start taking stronger ones soon, I just don’t want to be spaced out.

I wake at 5 am, it’s still dark outside and the iBook upload has timed out so I’m now determined to babysit this bloody thing until it’s cooked.  I don’t like letting people down and I didn’t think it would be so painful to upload a file.

By 6.30 I decide to take chemo tablets as today is the last day of tablets for cycle 4. So chemo tablets done I set up in my chemo gazebo with all my essentials laptop, coffee, fags, phone and ashtray plus my pink fluffy hot water bottle from my dear friend Linda. This helps with the pain in my back.

The messages of love and support flows in from you all via Facebook and private messages, some make me want to cry as I feel so loved and blessed to have you all to support me. Now this impressed me: Jani from the charity Beating Bowel Cancer sent me a message at 2 am regarding my appointment. Not only is that lovely of her but she is also on her holiday. Now that’s dedication for you. See I said that the people from this charity are amazing.

From all of the messages, this one made me happy

Morning. I’m sat here catching up on the last two days blogs and its a beautiful sunny day. Even if it is sunny with you this morning I’m sure that your day ahead does not feel at all sunny. Will be thinking of you and praying and hoping that the consultant has at the very least got a little glimmer of sun on the horizon to share with you. Reading yesterday’s blog it did so feel like you were coming to the end of something, it was almost like you were preparing us your readers but I don’t want to think about that. Whilst we will all want to know the outcome of your meeting not through morbid curiosity but because we care, we will all understand if you just don’t feel like updating today. Those question and answer sessions can be exhausting without even considering the subject matter. You could always put an out of order sign up or normal blog service will be resumed shortly. I will just be one of so many people who will be thinking of you today, so remember when you are in the consulting room or wherever it is you will be, it won’t just be you, Steve and the Dr, all of us your blog buddies will be in there with you, maybe not in body but most definitely in mind. Lots of love xx

and this one made me sad. From a fellow member of the BHS Family who lost a loved one who had cancer but he survived the cancer but following taking chemo had an infection which killed him.

Yeah you’re right..thanks Wendy…yes he had just been given the all clear end of July, but the bloody chemo had just ravaged his body and he ended up with pneumonia which was his cause. Xxx

Ain’t life just shit sometimes hey!

So the day is planned, packing this morning followed by food shopping to pass the day away and then the appointment.

Following taking chemo tablets I’m tired again and so I decide to sleep. I’m woken by a call from Guy, Regional Manager BHS, it’s his last working day. We spent a good half an hour talking and saying our goodbyes. He didn’t know but tears were in my eyes as I said my final goodbye and thank you as he has helped me these last few months as Chris would have done, my ex ex boss. We will remain in touch as he does genuinely care and due to his own life experiences feels at ease talking to me about cancer. He does make me laugh as he says that there should be some balance in my life, that it’s great being able to deal with this shit  cards that life has dealt me but where is the call to say I’ve won the lottery! The fact that I don’t do the lottery probably explains the lack of this call but I get his point.

So packing done it’s shower time. I still have to have Steve to help me do this and like post operation I have to sit on a stool, squeezing bottles is too hard, I’m too weak and although I’ve taken painkillers I’m in too much pain again to be on my own. Showered and now ready for part two of the day. I put my pants on and the tumour in my groin pops out on the right hand side, Steve says that it’s not as noticeable as the one in my neck so I say that I’ll just buy turtle neck jumpers and it will be fine.  I know I’ll never make it round the shops and was delighted when I came downstairs to Richard saying that he will go food shopping for me, bless him. Thank you also to those of you who have sent messages of support to Steve and Rebecca this morning as it does make a difference to my loved ones to know you care.

The Results

The chemo hasn’t worked hence the tumour in my groin and the back pain. The good news is that my lungs and liver are still cancer free. The disease has spread a lot into lymph nodes in my peritoneum and one near my adrenal gland. I have to change chemo treatment which will start in a few weeks where I will have a pic line and the drugs given every 2 weeks for 6 cycles. I will have another CT scan half way to see if it’s working. Dr Weaver said to prepare myself for total hair loss or up to at least 30% hair loss (this bit makes me sad as I think it’s cancer’s final insult) I asked the question of when did the18 – 24 months clock start ticking and he said from diagnosis (February). So I won’t plan my 50th Birthday bash just yet hey.

I have been given liquid morphine for pain.

 

Always leave them wanting more

Last night Leanne BFF came for tea, as she was passing by High Wycombe. She hadn’t seen today’s blog post so she was very excited to see what I had done by turning my blog into an ebook. She is also the first person to have a copy as I transferred what I had produced already onto her phone. Leanne left at 9 pm in respect of curfew time. She said that I’m a feeder and complained to me about how many homemade flapjacks I made her eat! Really lol. However I will admit that I do love to cook and see the people I love enjoy their food. I play nurses with my mom for Rebecca but she is doing really well and I am proud of her.

As she was being taken down to theatre yesterday there was a fire evacuation and she had to stand outside in the gown of shame wearing those surgical stockings, oh how I would have loved to have taken a photo of that.

Again chemo is wearing off as I went to bed at 12.40 and slept until 6 am, wow that’s so good for me. Usual morning routine of 1/2 biscuit, a coffee and a fag. Animals fed and I sit feeling a little low in my mood. Am I worried about tomorrow? Yes but I also feel like my blog is coming to an end as this is the last post in the book. This is ridiculous as it’s not the end at all but Friday’s meeting will start a different chapter for all of us and I have no control, I don’t know what the CT scans will show and I’m just not through with living yet.

Rebecca is doing well and thank you for all your messages of support. She wakes and joins me and mom around 7.30. Molly can sense she needs some TLC and gives her some love.

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I settle in my chemo gazebo to do some work. The pains in my back and leg are just not funny at times and I can hear you all saying “take some painkillers” so I get up and take some. I return and just fall asleep again. The postman wakes me as he comes 3 times in about 1/2 hour. I receive a box from Rita, A massive box from Emma and the team and then another arrives even bigger and it’s from some of the team at Staines. Thank you all so very much and I am going to take them away with us so that I can open them on my Birthday, feeling better now and very loved. My low mood starts to lift.

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Leanne from Beating Bowel Cancer has done loads to promote my video on Facebook but no donations for £1 have come through :-( She also posts about bowel cancer and the comments thread is heartbreaking.  To hear stories from people all under 40 yrs who have bowel cancer is so sad and one of them terminal. So I shared this on Facebook as it’s all about awareness and unless people go to the doctors with any signs of changes in bowel movements or weight then without screening people will continue to suffer with this horrible illness. I’m sad again. Leanne sent me an email to say that she is going to show the CEO of the charity the video, I reply that I hope that he has a good sense of humour haha.

IMG_4207I have decided that the out takes from making cancer free should go on this last post. Why? Because I hope that it will make you smile and it’s just lovely for me to share the laughter we had making it with you all. So after making that I long to be in my chemo gazebo and lie down again but blow me it’s taken again! But this time it’s not by Richard it’s Rebecca but I’ll let her off this once.

I return to the main computer and ‘ping’ a text comes in from Just Giving. Now this always cheers me up even if it’s just £1 but OMG it’s from Mr Bottom himself giving me £50. I was so excited I posted the new total on Facebook and texted BFF and Rita. I then texted Mr Topp to say thank you as it really does mean so much that he has supported me. We exchange a few texts but I can’t see the texts for tears, I’m just so moved by his and everyone elses’ generosity. I always cry when I think of work and not being part of it. Is that why I’m so sad about tomorrow? I had dreams of remission after chemo and returning to my team in Kingston, returning to life, returning to normal as at stage 3 with a 60/40 survival rate of 5 years I wasn’t ecstatic but at stage 4 it’s down to just an 8% survival rate to 5 years. Tomorrow I will know if I’m going to be lucky or not. This all depends on the chemo working. Again like everything about cancer ‘it’s a bitch’ and like everyone else I have no choice, I have no control and I just have to deal with whatever they tell us tomorrow. Steve and I have our previous list of questions to take in with us and we have discussed various other questions but the one thing I have decided to do is ask for a short break if it’s bad news so that we can compose ourselves and ask the right follow up questions.

As I can’t get in the gazebo mom and I take Molly Moo out for a walk. I can walk but it’s so painful and I’m worried I’ll slow everyone  up on holiday or I won’t be able to join in everything. I am okay sitting, I can sit fine or lie down easy lol but walking any distances will be a challenge. I’m with my loved ones so I know it will be fine and I can always get Richard to carry me haha.

Back home I start today’s post and another ping and an email from Just Giving, excited again as it’s another £50 omg I can’t believe it as I only wanted people to donate £1 as I think that’s an okay amount to ask people for. This time it’s Annie? The store Manager of BHS Sutton. Thank you so much Annie, so generous :-) I’m feeling so supported and loved by my BHS Family.

So here it is  the outtakes video for you to enjoy. I will post tomorrows meeting results for you but the appointment isn’t until 3.40. Last time they were running an hour behind schedule and so it maybe a little late going up but I will post so that you will know what the future holds.

So today’s post title is ‘leave them wanting more’ and I hope that this is what will happen. That I have left you all on this cliff hanger if you are reading the book and will want to read more.

And now I’ll hand you over to Steve for the technical details of how to download the ebook. This book will be submitted to iTunes but for my regular readers I wanted you to have it today. Take it away my Mr Wonderful……..

Click here to download the eBook. The book is in epub format,

Hospitals and a gift for you all

For those of you that are loyal daily readers you will have noticed over the last few weeks that I have attended various appointments with Rebecca. Today she had to go into Wycombe hospital to have a minor operation. I can’t obviously disclose why she is there but don’t you all get worrying as she is and will be fine.

So today’s plan is to take Rebecca in for 11.30 and stay with her as she has never had a general anesthetic before and hospitals can be scary when you go in for anything you’ve not experienced before. I have spoken to Rebecca about being put to sleep but like most things in life until you have experienced them it’s hard to imagine what or how it will feel and then there is the worry of getting over the operation.

I had a mixed night and was awake by 5.30 so the normal routine 1/2 biscuit, fag and a coffee after the animals have been seen to. I check that Richard isn’t sleeping outside again, great the chemo gazebo is free :-))) When mom is down she always wakes at about 7 am so I know I won’t be on my own for long. We have breakfast together, mom and I and catch up on gossip since she was last down. Rebecca wakes and has a dry piece of toast and then up until 11 am she will only be able to have water. For some reason this morning my chemo tablets have really made me feel so weak again. I make cheese and mushrooms on toast at around 11 am for some energy and I feel so light headed whilst I cook but I manage it. Dressed and ready my plan was to drive us there as I drove yesterday but I know I’m not up to driving so I ask Richard to take us and then to take my car to be cleaned ahead of our planned holiday.

Dropped off at the hospital Rebecca has to go to Ward 11 which is opposite Ward 12 where I spent 4 days and memories come flooding back. As it’s a Wednesday I think about all those people in the next ward who like Karen and I were in so much pain after the withdrawal of the epidural. Me being the sick bag monitor of Karen’s sick bag and it being the start of our friendship. I then feel sad seeing sick people in there, every night I thank god for another night at home and not in a hospital. I manage to stay with Rebecca for only an hour as I’m so tired and then Richard has to pick me up again, within minutes of being back at home I’m asleep again, no energy at all today. Mom remains with Rebecca until her turn comes for surgery, thanks mom. We are all now at home playing the waiting game of the phone call to say she is alright and we can come and see her. Tonight I’m going to be playing nurse for my daughter which will be a nice change for us both and I have told her she can have top place in the chemo gazebo too. Some photos for you of my brave Rebecca at hospital and of course shots of her in the gown of shame.

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Your Gift from me to you all

Your gift will be available for you all tomorrow but I’m telling you about it today. I don’t know about you but this blog has been a daily link to you all and has given me great pleasure. To share my journey with you all has been a blessing as your love and support flows into my house on a daily basis, it not only comforts me but also my loved ones. I wanted to do something for you all to show you how much I appreciate it. No naked bums this time, no video either before you start thinking it’s that.

I have turned my blog into a book for you all, not just my words but also at the end of each page is a section of comments you left for me on the blog from that day. Your words captured in time, forever. It also includes all the photo’s and videos that I have shared with you all and some of you have taken part in. Yes it also has 50 shades of chemo too. You will be able to download it very soon.

Why now you may ask? Good question and that question has a few answers to it. Friday starts a whole new chapter depending on the results of our meeting on Friday so the book will end on a cliff hanger. The blog is too long now. If I had to start following my journey it’s hard to read in order even for me and articles maybe missed as you read the blog backwards. So I’m hoping to make it easy for any new followers.

Once you have downloaded it you can always re read it on holidays or on your journey to work or just to remember special moments that either made you laugh or cry. And finally I’ve done it to stop you lot nagging me about turning it into a book haha. My gift to you forever.

What’s the title I hear you all saying? Is it ‘For Fecks Sake’ as that’s what Rita would call it. Is it ‘Well at least I’ve still got my sense of humour’ that’s what Leanne BFF would call it. Is it called ‘It’s all shit’ as that’s what Steve would call it? No it’s none of the above it’s called ‘Daisies and Dolphins’ and if you have read my blog this will make perfect sense and here is the front cover designed by myself so I hope you like it. Oh shit I forgot to tell you it’s an EBook which when downloaded you can view on any hand held device. Rita if you need help with downloading it Steve is available for technical support tomorrow after he finishes work at 8 pm but not after 9 pm as it’s curfew time then.

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Now don’t even start to nag me about film making!!! lol. Talking of nagging my God that Jo from Crawley can nag 😉 she phoned me yesterday out of love and support but has threatened me if I don’t get a disabled parking badge sorted out, okay okay okay Jo we did this today and I just have to get passport photos and then send the form off which you can complete online and it’s done. Thanks for caring Jo, love you really.

I will update you all tomorrow on Rebecca but please don’t worry as she will be fine. Catch you all tomorrow as I’m off to put on my naughty nurse outfit lol lol

 

 

Reet Petite

You can tell that the chemo side effects are easing as at last I was so tired that by 12.30 I went to bed. That’s amazing for me to be tired enough to want my bed. I woke at 5 am which is fine and I think that my sub consciousness  just wants to be at work as I could always survive on around 5 hours a day. So the usual routine of 1/2 biscuit, coffee and a fag first as Tia the cat is confused as it’s so early. Not wanting her food yet she just stares at it and walks away, that cat has never been grateful for being rescued lol.

By 6 am I’m thinking of moving into the chemo gazebo with my hot water bottle from Linda as my quilt and pillow will still be outside from yesterday. So I get all my stuff ready. Laptop, ashtray, fags, lighter, hot water bottle and of course another coffee. I go outside and this is what I saw:

sleeping beauties
sleeping beauties

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So back to the sofa I go as how could I disturb them? Turns out Richard couldn’t sleep and was still awake at 4 am. Typical as the first night in months I actually don’t stay awake until 3 am alone and my son decides to come down with insomnia. Is it just me or was that a Peter Andre song? Thankfully his fan base have all forgotten about me and my phone has stopped pinging every 30 seconds.

So I start working and continue for hours without a break. This leads to a massive headache and I have to take a break and painkillers. I long to lie still in my chemo gazebo and rest. So I’ve had enough by 11 am and wake Richard up, sorry my boy but I need to be outside. I love being in my garden, I’m dreading the winter as I won’t be able to sit outside, let’s hope for an Indian summer.

I sleep resting my eyes and hope that the painkillers work. I thought my mom would be down at 1 pm but when I woke within minutes she was there and Molly Moo went mad as normal, she loves her Nan as she takes her on walks and fusses her. After a coffee my mom gave me an early birthday present ‘Oh wow’ Rita you are going to love this, here is a picture first and then I’ll explain why she did it. However before you read the explanation anyone born in the 80’s onwards had better have an older person present to translate.

a treasured present
a treasured present

It’s a mounted 78 original copy of Reet Petite, this was my Dad’s. Now this record used to be played when I was growing up on our record player which my mom still has. It was like a box, it had a lid and a carry handle. I was a Teddy Girl as a teenager and loved Rock and Roll. I can’t believe that we don’t have the song in our record library at home so I instantly download it from iTunes as Richard says he doesn’t know the song, but as soon as he hears it he says ‘oh that one, I know that song’  The song was re-released in 1986 I can see my dad now dancing in the family home as the song came on the radio. He went and proudly showed me the 78 record and kept saying how the kids of today don’t know it’s been re-released, that we don’t appreciate good music and he dances and repeats his joy of actually being able to sing almost every word of a current top hit single. Like he is ‘hip and with it’, my Dad, oh how I miss him everyday of my life. His laugh, jiving with him, going to family parties with him, having a fag and a natter with him and just sharing life with him.

I am so chuffed at my present firstly because every time I look at it I shall see my dad that day dancing and laughing (now I’ve started crying) and because I will also think of my Rita too, my Reet Petite ‘the finest girl you ever wanna meet’ my angel who sends me a message every morning and night, who’s comments on my blog make me laugh so much, or cry. I am surrounded by so much love everyday from so many special people but in the early days, very early days she was always there every day with a message or a photo. The days when I just sat hour after hour, day after day in pain and completely cut off from the normal world I knew and just stared at a bird table through the window. Thinking of everyone and their busy lives and me missing out on sharing life with everyone. Okay stop it enough sadness and dwelling on those dark days (stopped crying now).

So my framed precious record of my dads will be hung pride of place in our home, thanks mom.

So how did my first twitting lesson go I hear you say? Well it went okay I think as Steve tries to explain the tweet, retweet, favoured tweets, hashtag thing and then he starts on about twitpics and that’s it for me, lesson over I think. Maybe that’s why I was so tired last night, brain overload. I actually like the way Countess Teresa Judd put it on her comment last night on the blog. Facebook is for us lot for friends and Twitter is for the stars and the celebrities of this world and the two don’t mix. Rebecca says that it’s like shouting out in the middle of a crowd, a statement about yourself and I just think it’s another language like ‘klingon’ in Star Trek where subtitles throughout would be really helpful.

At least it has taken away or diverted the focus off Friday’s meeting for 24 hrs. This morning I actually feel like the swelling maybe going down in the tumour in my leg. I showed my neck to Steve this afternoon and asked him if he thought it was going down and whilst you can now feel the tumours more than you could before the swelling around them seems less, Is this a good sign? I bloody hope so, we could do with some good news on Friday. I’m having far too much fun living and looking forward to 5 days away from Saturday and don’t want to be sad.

As I’m typing this post another email comes in with a donation, this always gets me excited and I quickly stop typing to see who it’s from and it’s only from Mr Grumpy Bum himself, bless you Vaughan and thank you. What’s now funny is that he has signed it from Mr Grumpy Bum (I think he has accepted his name suits him now lol) We are now at £1825. Thank you all so much as I have had numerous messages today from Nancy at the charity who is delighted with our support and how much we have raised to help them in such a short time already. I have also been contacted by the regional fund raiser who is also going to try to help us with the social networking stuff. I did say to Nancy in one of my messages that I hoped my naked bum hadn’t shocked her and she said it did a bit haha. Whoops but hey it’s all for charity and I’m never going to sit in a bath of cold beans for anyone, show my naked bum yes but I drawn the line at baked beans, evil food.

 

 

 

What the hell is a hash tag???

#justsaying

For Fecks sake (a Rita saying) what’s all this about. I just about understand a Tweet and then I get that people Retweet your Tweet but now my kids have told me that I need to start a trend with a hashtag #confused or what so I ask my sister in law Helen who is a tweeter for advice. She says that I have to start a trend with # too and then you add #tag words, good advice I think so as I have 140 characters in the tweet available I merrily #away. I’m just trying to get a trend going so I think I’m doing this right. Rebecca and Richard are in fits of laughter, snapchatting away and videoing my cries of “will you please explain this trending #thing to me”.

My phone rings, it’s Steve, whoops he is really not happy and asks me to delete all my tweets. I don’t know how to find them let alone delete them. I try the old trick of blaming Helen (sorry Helen) and the kids but I sense the stress levels and feel like a naughty schoolgirl. Rebecca helps and deletes all the tweets I have sent and now I feel really stupid. Rebecca also then posts on Facebook to add to my shame that I don’t know about hashtagging. Oh the social shame of the day :-(

I said yesterday that people have started following me and I did warn you all to please don’t do that as I really haven’t got a ‘Scooby Doo’ how to use the software and now I’m playing the price so social shame :-(

I like Facebook. I basically know what I’m doing, I like that there is a like button and although they keep updating and changes things I can pick it up quite quickly. It annoys me when programs get updated like iTunes, just when you know where all the playlists, songs, video etc are they change the view and you have to learn all over again, that progress for you I suppose.

I had a comment on the blog from Ruth who is living the dream in the Maldives. She was part of the BHS family and she laughs at my twitter ramblings. Oh Ruth it just got so much worse as I didn’t know you had to limit the hashtags in a tweet. ‘Oh my days’ I think I need a lie down in a dark room and someone should only wake me when the social networking shame is over.

Talking of the BHS family I have been again overwhelmed by the generosity of the wider BHS family that I am proud to be part of. However after today any twitter users will probably be denying all knowledge of knowing me.  We are now up to £1784 wow amazing. I set the £1 donation level on the video as I don’t expect people to dig so deep into their pockets. We are all constantly asked to support charities and we all do our bit at BHS for the companies nominated charities as well as our own special ones. Yvonne who is part of the BHS Kingston family has two boys and one of her son’s sent me £10, I was just so touched by this as he is only young and that’s a lot of money then you aren’t earning lots or you don’t have a lot of spare cash. Thank you all again, to everyone who has supported the charity so far as I know that they appreciate it.

Beating Bowel Cancer won Fundraising Charity of the Year at the National Fundraising Awards this year and I can understand why as the whole team there are really lovely. I have been in contact with them twice today. They are so pleased with the funds we have raised and the video. I have of course asked them for some help with social media (I think I need all the help I can get) not LOL :-( as still feeling down about the whole thing.

I had another comment on my blog from someone I went to school with. She lost her first husband to bowel cancer at an early age as he wouldn’t go to the doctors for help and her mom has it too but is terminal. So sad that people won’t get help for whatever reason it is that stops them from talking about bowels, poo or just the word cancer as it can strike fear into all of us.

Whilst on the Beating Bowel Cancer website earlier I copied this image as I think it’s so powerful and should make us all stop and think about possible symptoms and the benefit of early diagnosis. 9 out of 10 people survive if it’s caught early.

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Today I felt the best I have felt for over a week, well that was until my tweeting disaster. If anyone even thinks of buying me one of those books ‘Twitter for dummies’ I will not be happy. Think I may just stick to Facebook LOL. I have been able to focus on work, I’m walking better and I haven’t needed painkillers all day :-) Not bad on just 2 1/2 hours sleep. I can just never sleep, I can doze in the day I get tired but not at night.

It’s my beautiful goddaughters birthday today, so Happy Birthday Beth. She is in the video with Nicky, the shot with the ice cream and her Dad, my old dear friend Keith is in the shot of ‘the old bugger in the cancers survivors’ bar’ Looking forward to spending precious moments with them next week on our 5 day break, picking daisies :-)

Steve returns home with that very stressed look about him, oh dear :-( but it’s all okay cos after I gave him two coffee’s, he smoked at least 3 fags plus I gave him a neck and  back massage to release the tension in his neck he is a happy chappy again :-) so we are off to walk the dog before tea. All is well with the world again and I think I’ll leave the hashtag conversation until later hey #justsaying lol.

Eureka – Craig just snap chatted Richard with a message for me to explain a hash tag and apparently it’s like a hash brown but smaller, so that’s all good cos I can eat it, cheers Craig , problem solved.

 

Pizza Express and Tweet Success

So my weekend due to feeling a little better was to be a relaxing Saturday morning followed by a visit from Chris, Steve’s son, my stepson and his girlfriend Bethan.  A meal out to Pizza Express was decided upon as it’s Steve’s favourite and then home. Followed by a quite Sunday with a roast lunch. It almost went to plan.

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I received a retweet from Charley Boorman at 11.50 am on Saturday morning, I was super excited and so pleased that he had supported me. I met him in 2008 when he planned the start of his ‘By Any Means’ programme by inviting any local bikers to join him starting from the services at Bicester on the M40 into London finishing at the Ace Cafe. Steve and I were massive fans of the ‘Long Way Round’ and the ‘Long Way Down’ documentaries that he had done with Evan McGregor and they had inspired our many motorbike tours across Europe and beyond. We had also been to see him give live talks about his travels at Chesham. DSCF0367 Here are some photos of that very cold day. DSCF0388It was great fun bringing the M40 to a stand still and of course Richard came too as he was also into bikes.

So Chris arrived and we spent a pleasant hour or so in the garden catching up with life and getting to know Bethan, with Steve asking every 10 minutes if we could go as he was getting hungry. At Pizza Express we enjoyed a lovely family meal which I could thankfully taste. I even had pudding too with ice cream and I was okay, no numb face. I also had to take my chemo tablets with me as you have to take them within 1/2 hour of eating. Once I’d taken them I need to get home due to side effects. Whilst Steve pays and we get ready to leave my fingers have gone a funny blue colour and when I compare them to Rebecca’s hands I look dead. I said to Steve as I showed him the colour of my hands “have I died and no ones told me?” At home they all go into the front room to play Mariokart as Bethan is apparently good at it but she hasn’t played against Rebecca yet haha. I’m in the kitchen playing my favourite game before curfew of ‘wack a comment’ regretting the meal but I had enjoyed myself and whilst walking is still hard I hadn’t been out of the house for 8 days so it was worth it. Bethan and Chris had to leave as it’s a long drive from the Midlands and so goodbyes were said to all.

I join Steve in the front room with my two hot water bottles to help with the pain and start to enjoy the first episode of ‘The Rise and Fall of Reginald Perrin.’ Steve loved this but I’d never watched it before. It was about 10.30 when again that was it, I fell asleep and woke up at 3 am. Oh no I’d overdone it again and missed precious curfew time. Everyone was asleep and I was alone again. I decided that as I normally I am up at 5.30 am anyway that I would stay awake and maybe sleep again around 6 am. I’m on my computer and wondered if any famous people had suffered from bowel cancer too. I was surprised to learn that The Queen Mother, Harold Wilson, Robin Gibb and Ronald Regan all had bowel cancer.

I was then thinking of who else famous and still alive was suffering from cancer that maybe willing to help following my success with Charley Boorman on twitter. I had Peter Andre at the top of my list, not because he has cancer but because Rebecca and I love him and watch everything he does on telly. I was happy that he got married and was finally happy with Emily but I was sad when the programme came to an end. I was so sad for him and his family when they lost Andrew, his brother during the making of the programme. He had seen the pain of cancer and experienced grief of losing a sibling as I had. So I used the photo I had of him and the kids and at around 4 am I tweeted him. I also tweeted Sharon Osbourne too. I loved Black Sabbath and Ozzy. Paranoid is my favourite and I played it to death when I was young, back in the day when a record was a record.

I stopped tweeting there as I thought these people will be too busy to look at my video and help me and the charity. My stomach was not happy, toilet time :-( and so as it was getting light I set up bed in the chemo gazebo. Linda’s hot water bottles to ease the pain, chemo tablets and toast taken I rest and drift in and out of sleep. I’m worried about my body, my insides seem to be getting worse, the pain, I’m not able to stand up straight, the runs and I can’t decide if it’s the chemo or cancer that’s making me feel like this. I’m taking painkillers now throughout the day. I feel like I’m back to the discomfort pre and post op. I had to ask Steve to help me in the shower again as I can’t stand for long. I’m always just so tired and weak.

Screen Shot 2015-08-16 at 09.29.54At 8.10 am I get an email, I could believe my eyes it’s from Peter Andre who retweeted my tweet. OMG I’m all alone, everyone is asleep and I’m holding my phone in disbelief. I texted BBF, Emma, Nicky but they were all asleep and couldn’t help me. I had been speaking to Rita as normal as behind the scenes she sends me messages every morning and every night to keep me going with her love and support but she is shockingly bad with anything technical. But at least she was awake, we exchange frantic OMG OMG messages and Jo was also sending me messages so they both shared the moment with me but sadly neither could help me with what I need to do. There isn’t a like button on twitter and I’m lost without my hubby.

Screen Shot 2015-08-16 at 10.11.16Then it started – my phone pings every 30 seconds on average with all of Peter Andre’s fans all 3.38 million are tweeting, retweeting and favouriting Peter’s tweet. I feel a right twat not knowing what to do. Finally Steve wakes up, “help” I say “I can’t cope and I don’t know what to do?’ Steve needs coffee first and is pleased that Peter has supported me. I can’t wait for the kids to wake up as I think this is awesome. So I’m in pain trying to cope with that and my phone is going mad, it’s all so exciting. More pain killers needed I think.

By midday I can’t cope anymore and Steve and I take Molly out for a walk to get away from the excitement. Just to be alone for an hour, just to be quite. I am walking a little better due to painkillers. Steve is not happy today. I think he loves the Charley Boorman and Peter Andre stuff, the raising awareness and money, the joy in me and the kids at the fun of the moment. But he is sad, he is angry and he is at breaking point. He gets upset on our walk as whilst all this is fabulous it’s not fixing me, the dreaded meeting on Friday is looming. He like Rebecca are the only ones who see me every day, the pain and torment my body goes through. They know I hide it from others but I can’t from them. None of the excitement of the tweeting is going to take my cancer away and he knows it. He is also sad that whilst everyone is watching, laughing and enjoying the fun of the video they are not giving their £1’s to the charity and this also makes him angry. This also does make me sad as that’s why I did it. I did it to help the charity, raise awareness of cancer and to make people smile. With over 3000 views of the video apart from our friends and family there have been little £1 donations. I must thank Adrian Savage a friend of Steve’s for his donation, Brian Parsons, Rena and Rita’s sister for theirs, thank you.

We return from our walk and Steve hits the painkillers now. I am relaxing after our walk in the chemo gazebo, Richard joins me, I talk to him about the twitter success but the sadness of the lack of donations when ping my email goes off again. I quickly check it and someone has donated, I check the donation page and I have received a lovely message that says….

” Don’t know you but think you’re great!! Wish my mums attitude to her cancer was more like yours. But your video & blog have inspired me to help her realise that she can be!! “

Nikki P you made my day, thank you so much and then ping another email and another donation the message said

A very good friend if ours has just been diagnosed so this is for him with our love.

Lindsey whoever you are again thank you. Both have given more than the suggested £1 and that’s so lovely but for me it’s the message and the thought that counts. I’m now happier as I think for some people out there they get the seriousness of what this video was all about and it’s not just a good old laugh at my naked bum, rant over.

Steve has popped out to get my Birthday present so I’m excited and I hope he will return less stressed however I don’t think a trip to Argos in Slough is going to do it, do you? I really do appreciate everyone who supports me and all of you who have donated, thank you so much for the shares and the likes (Michelle Hicks, you don’t have to share it every 1/2 hour bless you) but if you do share it please mention the fund raising or the awareness to bowel cancer as that’s what this is about, thank you all so much.

I’m going to leave you there as Peter’s fans are calling again “oh my days’ Amiee! Oh I have offered my lovely Emma a job as my PA but I’m still waiting for her to name her salary demands. Oh and I know Rita is at 6 pm mass so thanks again Rita, my angel as I know you will be praying for me and my demands list from yesterday for my loved ones, they really need some loving and peace.

Tweet or Twat – which am I?

It’s late afternoon yesterday and I have just woken up following yet another chemo nap in the chemo gazebo. Steve joins me for a coffee, he’s been on the internet again to look into questions ahead of the results meeting on Friday. He knows the tumour in my groin affects me and I said the other day “why can’t it just be cut out?” He says that they won’t operate whilst I’m on chemo but radiotherapy maybe an option. I had forgotten that they couldn’t operate whilst you’re on chemo. It was a question to add to the list when we sit and compile it next week. We know that my chances of survival are down to about 8% past 5 years compared to stage 3 where there was a 60/40% chance of living past 5 years. Bloody statistics! I’m not a statistic and I’m going to do whatever it takes to spend more time here with you all, I’m not done with living this life yet. We talk briefly about prognosis and Steve as ever is hoping, praying for good news on Friday. Now I also learnt that like cancer they grade its reaction to chemo in terms of 1 – 4

1 being it’s gone, happy days

2 it’s reacting, happy days

3 it’s the same, happy days

4 oh shit!

I said to Steve that as we have been told I’ve got 18-24 months, when did that clock start ticking? He said he didn’t know and dismissed my question, “why does it matter?” I replied that I didn’t want to go to the trouble of organising a 50th Birthday party if I wasn’t going to be here, LOL now that made us both laugh. You have to laugh at yourself hey, cos it’s all shit really.

Steve goes back to work and I rest again but feeling better as each hour of each day passes. Just one more week of chemo tablets and then it’s a rest week for me and 5 days away with family, Nicky and Beth. I had completed the days post and was just waiting for Steve to do final edits before we do the daily publish – as mom has returned home it’s all pressure on him. He is busy with work and an hour or so goes by. He then joins me again and hugs me “your post made me sad today” he said. I can’t hold back the tears again (it’s been a day for crying again for me) and I tell him that he will have to make sure he’s there for the grand kids and to help out the kids. He reminds me that he is no good with nappies, are any men? Lol or is this just their way of getting out of it? Good plan you men out there. So Steve holds me whilst I cry and I think of my lovely Rita, Mary Poppins and others that have that joy of spending days with their grandchildren pretending to be helping out their own children whilst secretly as I know them both so well it’s actually the highlight of the week, fun, joy and laughter with babies/toddlers, sharing those precious moments, joy that only a child can bring.

The day went a bit out of sorts, you can tell my mom has gone home. Richard and Rebecca didn’t return with the food shopping until so late that lunch was at 5 pm! So dinner was planned for 8 pm as Steve would have finished work. Villa were playing Man Utd and it was on Sky Sports, the plan was to let them have man time with football and tea on their laps and Rebecca and I could have girly time. Steve enjoyed his tea with a beer watching the football. Just what he needed as he is becoming snappy again and stressed at the smallest thing and I can’t seem to help him. So it’s all good apart from Villa losing 1-0. Bloody Man Utd blah blah blah :-(

Cute Twitter Birdie
Cute Twitter Birdie

During the evening following advice from my two sisters in law, Sarah and Helen I ask Steve about being on Twitter as I can do Facebook and basically understand it but I know nothing about Twitter. Steve helps me finish off my site started in 2011 where I tweeted just once and never bothered again. We complete my profile and it has the daisy photo on it from Rita as the banner photo plus a photo of the daisy dress that Leanne made me buy so daisies are becoming a bit of a trend for me. The ‘Picking Daises’ poem has inspired me for years and it all seems to be fitting into place perfectly now.

So Twitter set up and there is a button thing on the blog asking for you to follow me. I have no idea how to work Twitter so please don’t follow me anywhere yet as we will all get lost in the interweb of beginners and drown in a sea of jargon and confusion. So I’m alone as everyone has gone to bed and I’m looking at this Twitter page thing and there is a search option, a gateway into the world of  famous people. Erm I think to myself, I may not be any good at this yet but why not have some fun anyway, what could possibly go wrong? So I have sent a copy of the video to Nickleback, Christian O’Connell (breakfast DJ on Absolute Radio) who is so funny and during my long journeys into work every morning would always make me laugh and ease pain of the M25 car park and finally of course my mate Simon Le Bon! OMG what the hell was I thinking? Why would they even view it or reply? Nickleback could sue me – well they couldn’t cos I paid for the backing track and could you imagine the headlines “stage 4 cancer sufferer sued by grumpy band?” And anyway these people would have staff who just vet all messages anyway and hit the ‘WARNING nutter delete button’. So my post is apt because have I tweeted them, does this make me a twat? What’s a retweet? Is the inflection of a tweet a twat? Is it just me or am I learning a new language all about bird song! I need help both with technology and being too brave sometimes but I secretly hope for a reply from all 3, dare I dream hey?

So as I’m talking about living the dream, the tea I ate has upset my tummy again as I know that I shouldn’t eat jacket potato skin, onions and all other healthy foods so why am I not surprised my tummy is upset. Oh my poor bum! But worse than that my legs seize up whilst I’m on the loo and I have shameful visions of being locked in the loo all night as I can’t stand up, my bloody legs won’t work. I try rubbing the calf muscles and try again, no I still can’t stand, what am I going to do? Eventually after lots of rubbing my legs work again and I can pull myself up using the sink as a support. It’s okay crisis over and no one knows so it’s all good, whoops apart from you lot haha but you lot don’t count as we have a deal ‘warts and all.’ But I will spare you the details of the runs, lucky you lot I say haha. So it’s now after 3 am and I’m just waiting for my stomach to settle so I get brave again and tweet the Hairy Bikers and Help for Heroes as without any planning there are some product placements in the video that I think at 3 am that they need to know about what am I doing. Before I can cause any more harm I stop short of contacting Take That, Robert Plant and of course for Rebecca, David Tennant.

An email/update from Frankie for you all so that you get another side of chemo. Thank you Frankie for the email and remember you are never alone ………..

Hello my lovely friend,
I’ve been reading your blog due to reasons I’ll get onto. You truly are
an amazingly prolific writer and so very funny, despite what I know and empathise with underneath the humour. You just have a natural talent for saying it like it is and putting bling and gloss on to cover the cracks!!
I love it and you make my heart sing. How’s this week been for you so far? Better I hope than week three when you fell down a bear pit and had such a sore arm. Thankfully Maria (?) used my left arm last Friday which was SO much better, and I had virtually no pain afterwards. However I may have thought I had more energy than I did and yesterday was back in Stoke Mandeville for a few hours. I woke up with a temp and sore throat, called Mara who immediately said ‘you have to go to hospital NOW!’ They had me strung up with an
antibollock drip in no time, bloods done etc. Anyway nothing too
dramatic, bloods came back ok and I came home after 4 hours. Threw up, then slept until 7am this morning. Now feeling like a wrung out piece of seaweed, with a mouth that tastes like the bottom of a rats sack! Then I read your blog and a smile spread across my face – and I think it’s not just me, there’s a very strong band of us all pulling together and we will despite the challenges make the final hurdle.
Where does the energy go? My normal head says ‘you can do it’ then The Chemo one ‘NO she can’t’ and the rest of me falls apart somewhere in the middle. So frustrating when there’s life to live and and I don’t have time to waste it. I have the most amazing circle of friends who care for me without question. Fetch, carry, cook, taxi etc, but I find it so
frustrating having to ask for help. Since Guy died I’ve learnt to be so
fiercely independent, and feel so pathetic asking someone for a loaf of
bread when I can walk to the shop.
My taste buds are still shot and everything tastes slimy and uninviting.
Chilli jam’s my friend – on everything bar porridge! Looking forward to
next week when hopefully I can taste some red red wine and have a little dance round the kitchen singing again!! Keep telling myself it’s good for me too!
Anyway I’m going to go and temp my body to eat something, and hope I’ve emailed the right person and some strange lady isn’t reading this!!

So it’s 7 am here and I’m going to leave you there as we have a family day planned with just chill time for most of the day but I’m hoping to be able to walk enough to go out tonight for a meal :-) I’ll let you all know tomorrow how that went. Enjoy your family time and daisy picking.

Sorry I nearly forgot the prayer list for Rita, whoops. Can you please include Frankie & Karen and all Grandparents out there but can I be selfish and ask for peace and comfort for my loved ones as they have had a really tough week and need some support, thanks MT Rita – much love xx

Screen Shot 2015-08-15 at 12.30.58I was going to finish today’s post there but ‘OMG’ I’m so excited as I tweeted or whatever it is to Charley Boorman as Steve, Richard and I rode with him in 2008 when he made the programme ‘By Any Means.’ Hoping as a fellow biker he would see it, oh my days he has retweeted the video and favourited the tweet too. ‘Oh my days’ he has 89,000 followers who are now going to see our video! I have also sent a tweet to Ewan McGregor, his mate. We are going viral :-0  Massive thanks to Charley and all you tweeters too.

 

Baring All LOL

So last night after a day’s work in the office poor Steve came home and went straight into video checking, editing and uploading mode, bless him. With final checks all done we started to share the video on Facebook but we quickly realised that there was an error in the ‘JustTextGiving’ code, thanks to Sarah who spotted it and then poor Steve spent another frantic hour trying to sort it out. He really is my Mr Wonderful.

There is a full video of me riding my motorbike naked which I won’t share with you lol and when it was made during a holiday in Croatia I never ever thought anyone would see it apart from Steve and I. When deciding to put it in I did think OMG what am I doing sharing this with the world but do you know what? I don’t care anymore. I care about people, life etc of course but poking fun at myself for a great cause is worth the embarrassment to me and if it raises money then it’s all for the good hey.

Talking of money, you have all been so generous and I didn’t expect the response I have received from you all. I honestly thought that asking for £1 was enough to ask but I have been so overwhelmed and during the last 24 hours even moved to tears by the comments, donations, the video likes and the all important shares of the video. Thank you all again so much. You lot amaze me.

So back to last night, the video goes up and I am not doing curfew time as I’m playing my favourite game of ‘wack a comment.’ This is because I don’t want to ever not say thank you to people for helping me or to not connect with you all. Rita allows this lol, it’s just for one night Rita and we will be back at it tonight I promise. Had lots of comments about ‘stud muffin’ Pete as he does look super cool in the video and he is coming to see me in September on a planned visit to the UK, just saying girls that tickets will be available but at a price lol.

morning bottle with my mom
Jack’s morning bottle with my mom

We had a very special guest last night who stayed overnight too and that was Richard’s Godson Jack. Now we all say how good babies are to their parents but OMG I have never met a more happy, content ‘no crying’ baby ever! He is only one and such a darling. It was a pleasure to have him and Parker stay with us. My kids were never that happy or well behaved, bad parenting I guess haha. Parker is the one who helped me when I had to get Richard back from Canada and Parker’s wife is friends with Kirsty who works for BHS and we worked together for a short while.

morning cuddles with Rebecca
morning cuddles with Rebecca

I couldn’t resist sending Kirsty a photo with the caption ‘look who is at my house,’ small world hey? I could post so many photos of Jack for you to enjoy as I’ve taken so many. I watched my children play, change him, feed him, cuddle him and I know I shall miss all of this sharing when they have their children and it’s just made me so sad. I helped Rebecca change Jack’s nappy this morning teaching her the way to do it (like riding a bike you never forget.) Who will be there for her and Richard when they have their kids I wonder? Sadness again, I stand to miss out on so much with them and their lives to come.

dressed and sadly ready to leave us. Jack and Richard :-)
dressed and sadly ready to leave us. Jack and Richard :-)

Okay stop being sad (I say to myself) self pity is not going to help! Today the MDT (multi disciplinary team) have met, they know the results of my scans and will have over coffee and maybe biscuits discussed me, Frankie and Karen. What will our next steps be? And of course Steve and I have to wait until Friday 21st at 3.40 to discover their plan. The waiting game of cancer really is shit. I will of course as ever let you all know the results ‘warts and all,’ that’s the promise.

I have had emails from Frankie as she has seen the blog and I’ll do a more detailed post tomorrow for you as today I am enjoying all the sharing and comments about the video. So proud of everyone for helping me complete it. I hope that it goes viral, not for me or fame or anything like that but because my lovely Goddaughter Beth wants it to be a massive success, to make people laugh, to connect with all cancer sufferers so they know they are not alone and to spread awareness of bowel cancer and how serious it can be in young people.

Talking of bowel cancer, I am contacted maybe twice a week from Jani from the  ‘Beating Bowel Cancer’ charity, another fab volunteer who after a few messages last night ‘bitch slapped’ me about getting my pain under control LOL. I think she may have spoken to Karen Brindle or my hubby or my mom lol. Well anyway her message is so long and full of great advice that I hadn’t replied yet but I will. Thanks for all your support Jani, I do appreciate it.

My mom has returned to the Midlands today until Tuesday ahead of our short break. She doesn’t like not being here and I know she will read this later, looking for any mistakes there may be. Thanks mom for this last week, you are appreciated by us all so much and I know that the last week has been so hard on you. I see it in you but I can’t take the worry away, sorry.

Now this will make you laugh. Rebecca and Richard have been to do the weekly food shopping for me as I can’t walk too well still and Steve is busy working. I compile a typed list by section, in order of the layout of Sainsbury’s, transfer the money and off they go. They ring Steve about every ten minutes with questions but the one that really made Steve and I laugh was the text from Rebecca to say ‘what’s ambient?’ Oh my days lol lol lol.

Well enough for today’s ramblings. Please keep sharing the video so we go viral. Talking of this, earlier today there was a video on Facebook of a man giving his bird a bath in his hands, very cute indeed but it was at 8 million views!! really, how does that work?? I have no idea but if a small bird can go viral then I’m sure my bare arse and my friends gigging should surely deserve more views than that.

Oh and finally before I forget, due to you all the blog has been visited by over 30,000 people across the world. I had a record amount of hits on the blog last night, over 1100 (and I thought nobody would be interested when I started this and was excited when I had 50 hits in one day) and the video has been viewed 1600 times already :-) so please keep sharing and viewing to make my Goddaugther’s dream come true :-) xxx

 

Your Surprise is here!!

Surprise time! Yes it’s taken a while and I’m sorry but behind the scenes I have been working away with loved ones on what was a secret project, until it’s big reveal today. It was initially just to make you laugh to bring some joy into your lives however it turned into something bigger.

The ‘Just Giving’ page was set up as a way to raise money for the charity ‘Beating Bowel Cancer’ and I have been overwhelmed with your generosity. It was actually put up in advance to use as a tool to get as many as possible to donate just £1 to this very deserving cause via the surprise I’m sharing with you all today.

What’s the surprise I hear you say? Well I don’t think that there are enough ‘jolly’ songs about cancer, a definite gap in the market and if I can get your support again I would be so grateful. After watching your surprise, please share share share and share again, plus loads of likes too :-) if we can get the song to go as far as possible around the world then just think of the £1’s we could possibly raise for the charity :-) I’m also going to put the song onto YouTube to help raise money so if you can also watch it on YouTube too, with your help it go viral :-) I think me riding my motorbike naked and sharing this with the world is worth a £1 of anybody’s money :-)

My journey through cancer has been made so much easier with all your love and support. Thank you and I hope that you will all support me again by spreading and sharing some fun, love, laughter and joy to anyone else out there who needs a good laugh at cancer and cheering up.

Special thanks to everyone who have contributed to the filming, my very patient hubby, friends and family who have to put up with me and my mad ideas.

So sit back just have fun, watch, laugh and enjoy but of course let me know what you think of it.

Living the dream

You lot just amaze me, your love and support flows through the internet into my home everyday. What’s that poem and song? ‘Footprints in the Sand’ the song is by Leonia Lewis, I love the song, it’s one of my favourites. Beverley from America yesterday in her comment on the blog says that you all want to be my ‘net for when I need to be held’ well you all did it as I feel better today. I love comments left on my blog as I and others can read them, remember them too as they will always be there, a timeline of love and support.

Last night my BFF Leanne was not going to take no for an answer and as she was passing on the way back from a meeting in Telford she popped in for 1/2 hour to see me. I didn’t want her to see me so down and I cried on her too, well I did warn her yesterday when she asked if she could come and see me, I did try to put her off. I cry saying I’m sorry and my face/eyes burn as the tears flow but she doesn’t care and she hugs me trying to take all the pain and hurt away. I manage to walk her to her car and watch her leave again but glad of the 1/2 hour together. I worry about her getting home and the M25 traffic as I know how shit it is, well I did it everyday for four years just to be with my team. Oh my team, how I miss you all everyday. That management meal out together just 7 months ago when we were all just focused on getting straight after peak trading and what the next fun project would be, how we could raise money for charities, train new staff and just be the best we can be, our BHS family.

So last night still feeling shit but a little better we decide that curfew time should be a ‘Pink Panther’ film as Rebecca hasn’t ever seen them and it came up whilst mom and Rebecca took Molly out for her daily walk as I can just about walk around the house at a push. Pleasant childhood memories of those films and Inspector Clouseau but the one Steve paid for was from the 60’s and shocking to watch as the film industry has moved on so much, it wasn’t even one I remembered ever seeing, the internet was so slow and we all had ‘buffer face’ for a while and then just gave up. Life just doesn’t always work out the way you want it to sometimes hey! I left Steve and Rebecca to play Mariokart together as they love that and they enjoy playing it so much. I go to work on my surprise for you all, it’s nearly ready.

It’s now 1 am and the pain in by back and groin just isn’t funny. Karen an old school friend sent me a nagging message yesterday about how I need to get my pain under control and Steve always nags me too. So the plan is to take painkillers now and then sleep at around 2 pm. I take them and start to gag, I’m sick and I hang around the sink for about 10 minutes feeling flushed, retching and sweaty. I don’t panic about throwing up the chemo tablets as it’s been over 6 hours since I took them so that should be okay and no need to raise alarms as you are supposed to report sickness. I sit still and wait for it to pass.  I go to bed trying not to be sick again whilst brushing my teeth, hanging on to hope that tomorrow will be better. I wake at 6 am as normal, 4 hours sleep and I feel so much better, almost chemo cycle normal, I even greet Steve with a smile this morning. He needs to have me back, he needs to see me return to myself as does my mom and Rebecca.

a childhood dream comes true
a childhood dream comes true

So living the dream, what’s that all about hey? Whilst feeling low yesterday I thought about my sister, Julie. We had so many dreams centred around horses as we grew up together. We wanted to run our own horse riding stables. Where of course horse riding would be free for all kids lol. The biggest dream we ever had was one that never came true and that was one day we would gallop together through the sea. I would dream about this for years, but the years past and we never did it. I however did gallop through the sea on my 40th birthday in France on holiday, thanks to Steve for making my dream come true.

Dreams and hopes can be used as either ‘I never got to bloody do that’ bitterness creeps in or you can say ‘I did this for us, we may not have been together but I did it for us’ Praying is another problem as we believe that may help us solve problems, take away fear and bring comfort to us. I said to mom the other day I remember when dad was dying, praying to god that I would be good forever if he just made my dad better, no wonder he died as there was no way that I could ever keep that promise lol and God knows it. So when all is said and done, like it or not you and I are living the dream everyday. It may not feel good sometimes but those dark days are just there to fill in the blanks between the precious bits and to make us stronger.

Gosh I’m rambling today, sorry. Well Richard returns home today and it will be lovely to have him home again, my boy :-) and I’m glad he has missed the worst of the side effects of chemo. I’m going to finish your surprise to make you all smile again, I hope. But I will need your help on that again too so more coming soon….

Oh by the way we have now just gone over 20,000 hits on the blog in just 2 months, wow and I couldn’t have done it without you all, so thank you all so much. I have also received two messages from Beating Bowel Cancer to say thank you for the funds you raised for me :-), very proud.

This is a short post as I just wanted you to know that I’m okay and your surprise is now ready and will be posted up tonight at around 9 pm, that’s if Steve finally gets the internet working and it’s all been edited and scrutinised about 100 times, but your all worth it :-) xx